When a couple gets involved in a long distance relationship (LDR), they sign up for more than the emotional cost of being separated. LDRs get expensive to maintain, not so much with communication thanks to technology, but really because of rising transportation costs.

airplane_taking_off.jpgThere’s no dispute that a LDR is worth every penny for a life partner. If Zac and I ever had to go the LDR route, I’d do whatever it takes to make it work, though we’d probably find a way to be in the same location first.

In this special Friday (usually Thursday) edition of Sleeping With Money, I’m going to dig into the past and talk about a few things I learned from a brief relationship with a lad named Manson (fictitious name) that I never should have dated in the first place. It was a costly mistake due to the expensive phone calls (back then), flights across the country, and extravagant dates that put me in greater debt. I ignored every blazing red flag imaginable that should have made me reconsider allowing the relationship to go long distance. Based on my experience, it’s fair to say a LDR is an investment that may or may not pan out. Here are few red flags to consider.

Reg Flag 1: Future Geographical Plans are Highly Uncertain

Manson and I met in the early part of his last semester of college. He was waiting to hear back from the graduate schools he applied to, UC Berkeley and MIT. I had some faith in his confidence that he’d be accepted to UC Berkeley, meaning that he’d get to stay in the Bay Area for a while. Then again, we had just started dating, so it was too soon for me to worry about the future.

Two months later, we were still dating. Things were going okay enough, although we were already having some issues. There wasn’t much time to confront them because the acceptance letters came in, and he was rejected by Berkeley but accepted by MIT. It broke his heart that he would have to move away.

It would have been in my best interests to tell him that we should break up, a bit after he had a chance to grieve over the news. Unfortunately, I took the nice guy routine too far and got further entangled in the relationship. My failure to handle the situation timely made it snowball into an emotional mess and an expensive mistake I couldn’t sort out.

Red Flag 2: All Your Friends Hate Your New Boyfriend or Girlfriend

I have some opinionated friends, but that’s one reason I love them. Zac and Manson are the only two people who have ever made my friends reach consensus. They all love Zac, and they all hated Manson, to put it mildly.

Now that I’m older and have matured a bit, I understand why they hated Manson so much. He was rather possessive of me; arrogant; competitive with others over very stupid things; and very awkward in social situations. Even my roommates at the time disliked him so much that his presence created significant tension in the house.

It’s natural for some friends not to like your new fling, but for so many people to pick up on traits that you’re ignoring says something. These same traits all magnified when the relationship had to go long distance. For some odd reason I found them charming while we were in the same city. It wasn’t the case when he finally went to MIT and we’d have constant misunderstanding or jealous arguments over the phone. I was paying huge phone bills just to have a fight.

Red Flag 3: It Might Be Just About the Sex

One question could have saved me a lot of time and money in this LDR: Besides the sex, what else do you like about this person?

I honestly think sex was responsible for prolonging the relationship, both before it went long distance, and for the two months after. It was fun and passionate. Okay, it was plain hot. But I wasn’t all that thrilled with Manson as a person.

Distance created a greater sense of urgency, and heightened our each encounter. Manson and I weren’t getting along at all with distance between us, but all was forgiven when we’d get together. The sex completely clouded the reality of the huge credit card bills and headaches that came along with this relationship. It would have been more cost-effective to watch other people’s drama in movies rather than living my own.

To Go LDR, or No LDR

All dating comes with some risk. The risk either pays off with something wonderful or something rotten. Dating is similar to investing in that way, I guess.

Bottom line is that I’m not anti-LDR, nor an advocate either. No one can really tell you whether or not to pursue a LDR with someone you recently started dating. If you’re like me, you’re probably not going to listen to them anyway.

It’s just a good idea to be aware of the challenges that can come up, and to deal with them in a timely matter. My experience was pretty bad, but there could be good ones too. When a new relationship is about to become a LDR, you may want to ask: How good do I feel about this investment? Had I asked myself that, I wouldn’t be telling you about Manson.