It took me about ten years to fully deprogram from Christian indoctrination. Indoctrination is more than going to church on Sunday, saying prayers, or having a spiritual life. It’s a system of grooves in the brain along which thoughts role, an internal highway system. A fully indoctrinated person really only has a few options for how to get from point A to B and it’s unlikely, without some external motivator (like sexual attraction, for example) that an indoctrinated individual will suddenly make a shift in the way they maneuver through the world.

I believed, when I came out at the age of nineteen, that the afterlife was the result of willfully made decisions during one’s life, and that the unknown indeed consisted of the dichotomous halves of heaven and hell. When that unmistakable sexual attraction to a woman finally seeped into my verbal center, I was completely consumed and complete, and I was nothing less than entirely terrified. The thrill of being in love for the first time was countered with constant nausea. I believed that the decision before me was one that would impact me literally for “all of eternity.” In retrospect, it seems completely absurd that I was that person. I remember it finally clicking when a lover, who was also a poet, responded to one of my confused tirades with, “but Christianity uses such small language. There are so many bigger, better ways to explain how beautiful the world is.”

I was so relieved. Put into those terms, it was all I needed for the final budge out of the hell that was my own brain. I do believe that the Bible has some fantastic language in it. I especially like much of the poetry in the Old Testament and feel grateful for it even. The Bible was my primary literature for the first few years of my life. I think it had a formative impact on both the technical and metaphorical elements of my writing. However, modern Christianity seems to have slipped from the graces of its progenitor’s gorgeous language. It’s sleepy. It’s ugly. And it’s gray. If you know of a stunning orator who regularly gives sermons do please document them in the comments section below for others to reference. I’m sure there are exceptions. But, I think that for a world with expanding spiritual needs, the language of modern Christianity and its concurrent indoctrination practices are not enough. Big religion has made a financial plantation out of small-town/red-state America.

In my last post I talked about tithing. Tithing is really only a miniscule portion of the greater economic problems caused by the Church. Yes, they often strong-arm their congregations into “freewill” offerings that have a negative impact on the personal finance of individuals, but the church has also created an entire sub-class via Christian doctrine that, among other things, keeps gays second class citizens by law as well as by common culture. Let’s say that George Bush was actually, rightfully voted into the presidency in 2000. We’ll just use him as the greater anti-queer symbol since he’s an easy target for everything. I’m in no way saying that Democrats are gay saviors, but red state America composed of hundreds of small towns voted him in. Who governs them, really? The Christian Church (and television).

I grew up in a community of about 1000 people. There are wonderful people in this community (as there are wonderful ministers out there, I’m sure), but the majority of them, even if they do not identify as religious people, live by Christian principles. It’s just considered proper. This makes them generally polite, hard-working, family-oriented, and all of the stereotypically “respectable” qualities. It also makes most believe intensely that there is something horribly depraved about being queer. It creates an entire and substantial population of moral Republicans. This, in turn, keeps certain elements in power and keeps my mom from asking me questions about my personal life. Economically, it also keeps working class people voting against themselves. It’s a good deal for big government and big religion.

The Church’s stabs at expanding its language have been quite disturbing and dogmatic. As a Catholic questioning one’s sexuality, one can take part in the “Courage” support group or another by the name of “Encourage,” which offer support and counseling to those with “same-sex attraction” issues. Such groups are numerous. On the Catholic Reporter website, one mother of a gay son said, “”It’s hard to love and accept the person (with the same sex attraction) and stand for what you believe at the same time. Often that person rejects you because you stand with what you believe and all you can do is love them and pray for them.”

Here is a perfect example of the modern Church’s bastardization of language: this “mother’s” use of the word “love.” Although it is only one example, the quote possesses strong echoes of the dominant Christian dogma and delivery. There is an overall dull tone to the Church’s use of language in general. It’s worn out. It’s simply not that interesting and definitely not spiritually invigorating. It seems as though the Church might be choking itself out with the very thing that it claims is infused with the spiritual life of God: Words.

I know there are a myriad of churches, Christian and otherwise, that are quite accepting of homosexuality and alternative lifestyles. Some even claim to follow no doctrine whatsoever. And those, both of doctrine and not, afford many people with a perfect and fulfilling connection to their higher power. Even these, however, are a little too atavistic for me.