Queercents

“We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through.” – Emily Perl Kingsley

Jeanine and I found out last week that our third attempt with IVF was unsuccessful. It was painfully hard to hear the news since this try had a certain finality attached to it. We’re out of money. Or at least the money set aside to make a baby. $55,000 later and we still don’t have a baby.

As much as I’ve written and stressed out about the financial part of this journey, our sadness has nothing to do with the money. The money was well spent since we wanted our baby. Technically, it would have been Jeanine’s bio-baby, but I had romanticized the importance of Jeanine’s flesh and blood in our baby. Multiply these feelings 1000 times and you have an idea about the loss she’s mourning at the moment. It’s a heartbreaking time and I’m not sure how long it takes to get over something like this.

Prior to this latest IVF procedure, we planned ahead and signed up for an open adoption seminar this past weekend. Ever since reading Dan Savage’s book, The Kid, I’ve thought open adoption is the way to go when it comes to adoption methods. Jeanine needs more convincing. Read the rest of this entry »

Nina had written about fighting over money and it got me thinking. My partner Jason and I haven’t ever fought over money. We may have disagreements about which bill to pay first or how much money we should be saving, but we haven’t ever fought over the topic.

I think there are a few reasons for this. The first is that together we don’t have any credit card debt. The only debts that we have are my student loans and our Mortgage debts. Everything else we save up for before we buy.

Another reason is how we handled our dating lifestyle. When straight couples date, it is a social norm for the guy to pick up the tab. While I disagree with this idea, it definitely does not translate very well into the gay community. When there are two guys, do you pay twice the amount? When there are two gals, does nobody pay? Obviously, this is not the case. Read the rest of this entry »

“Love is a feeling, marriage is a contract, and relationships are work.” – Lori Gordon

Jeanine and I typically pick only one show per week to watch on television. A few months ago it was Big Love. This fall it’s been HBO’s Tell Me You Love Me. I guess you can peg us as the “relationship” drama types. Why we pay 100 plus dollars a month to watch one show a week is another story.

Tell Me You Love Me, noted for its realistic depiction of sex, revolves around three couples with intimacy issues. Each has their own reasons for seeking the help of a therapist, played by the lovely Jane Alexander, who happens to have issues with her husband. Go figure. There’s no such thing as the perfect partnership.

What’s unusual about the show is that money is never mentioned. Once, the fortysomething character with young kids and a mortgage complained about their therapy expense but that’s my only recollection of money being part of the story line. Isn’t money still a primary cause of divorce and nasty breakups? Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve been giving a lot of thought to how I want to propose to my partner. Do I want to do something simple and romantic? Something dramatic and public? It’s not something I ever really thought I’d need to consider, but lately I’ve been searching around on the web to see what other gay couples are doing. As more and more same-sex couples have weddings or commitment ceremonies, it is tempting to adopt much of the ritual that heterosexual couples have long used, but there is one part of that ritual that will not be making it into any of my own plans - diamonds as a symbol of love.

The demand for diamonds is the result of what has probably been the most successful marketing campaign in history. De Beers has controlled the majority of the world’s diamond supply since about 1880. As people became aware that diamonds were really as common as cheaper gems, demand fell through the 1920’s, 1930’s, and the Great Depression. Then, in 1947, De Beers launched their “Diamonds Are Forever” campaign. Ultimately, De Beers marketing was shockingly effective at convincing people that diamonds were the proper way to express love. They also managed to convince families to hold onto their diamonds as heirlooms, keeping used diamonds off the market. Hollywood helped out by enshrining the idea in films such as the hit musical “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, which included the now-classic number “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend”. You can’t buy advertising that good. As demand rose and De Beers purposely restricted supply, diamonds commanded a premium, all because of good marketing. The recent movement against blood diamonds has helped by further restricting supply. Read the rest of this entry »

I’m very excited that I have been asked to be a contributing member of Queercents. I’ve never been a writer, so I ask that you excuse any mild grammar errors. My interests are in real estate, debt reduction, and tax reform (including FairTax). The vast majority of my posts will tend to fall in these categories….and I hope to learn a lot, from my readers, along the way.

I moved to Indianapolis for the money!

Indianapolis? Why did you move to Indianapolis?

I hear this all the time. I hear it from my friends and family back in Boston and I hear it from those I left, back in Chicago. Fortunately, I absolutely LOVE Indianapolis! I didn’t, however, know this before we made the decision to pack up and move. If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be living in Indianapolis, I would have thought you were nuts. But thankfully I am here! Read the rest of this entry »

“True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.” – Erich Segal

Jeanine and I celebrated our fifth anniversary last Thursday. We never had a commitment ceremony and although we consider ourselves married, neither one of us ever had a burning desire to stand up in front of our friends and family and profess love for each other. Quite frankly, we both think the white dress ritual is a bit much – especially knowing that my family would wince at the spectacle of two lesbians exchanging vows in wedding gowns and boycott the entire event. Even I sometimes think queer ceremonies seem nonsensical. Some people want one and that’s fine for them… but it’s unlikely we’ll ever have a “wedding”.

That said, I thought it was important to have a fortieth birthday party and we’ll do the same for Jeanine early next year. We spent a small fortune on mine (done fashionably at the Avalon Hotel in Beverly Hills). I paid a handsome sum for my outfit as well. Jeanine thought my birthday budget was very unNina-like, but I justified the expense by saying that we never had a wedding so I thought we should make up for it on our milestone birthdays. A life event like this has a way of marking time and is money well spent. Of course, next time I’ll think twice about hosting an open bar. Beer and wine only for those lushes. Anyone want to guess what a martini goes for at the Avalon? Read the rest of this entry »

“You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.” – Albert Einstein

Last Christmas, Trent at The Simple Dollar reviewed five board games that teach valuable lessons about personal finance. The Game of Life by Milton Bradley (now sold by Hasbro) made the cut.

He writes, “Life is one of those ‘standard’ board games that are often found in the back of a grandparent’s closet, pulled out once every few years to be played by the kids during holiday get-togethers. Yet hidden behind this simple facade is a game that teaches a number of valuable and interesting lessons about the progression of a person’s financial life.” Read the rest of this entry »

“Forty is the old age of youth; fifty the youth of old age.” – Victor Hugo

Jeanine and I spent the weekend in the Berkshires celebrating a friend’s fortieth birthday. We’re getting to the age where any time I see people I haven’t seen in awhile, they ask about the health of my parents and in turn they talk about theirs. One told me the heartrending story of her father’s progression with Alzheimer’s and the burden it has placed on herself, her mother and siblings.

Awhile back, John asked the question: Would You Disrupt Your Life to Provide Care for Aging Parents? He writes, “It’s not just a matter preserving your lifestyle and bank account that makes planning for your parents’ future a delicate balancing act. Time, money and energy are limited resources. When these considerations come up against family histories, tensions, and striving for personal goals, the question of whether you would disrupt your life to provide care for aging parents isn’t as easy as some people would like think.” Read the rest of this entry »

Madame X over at My Open Wallet wrote a thought-provoking column this week and encouraged me to re-post it here for the queers. Read below… this is why everyone loves the Madame!

The (Almost) Truth About Bubbles

You know, writing this blog can be a strange thing. What interests me most about money is often the way it informs daily actions and relationships, and as such, I write a very personal blog. This can get tricky: I tell stories about friends, family, co-workers and loved ones, none of whom know that I write these things. In order to protect the privacy of myself and others, I often change identifying details in these stories– names, of course, but sometimes other things like locations, jobs, relationships to me, and even gender. But when it comes down to it, I am not, and could never be a fiction writer– despite any minor embellishments, the heart of every story I tell is true.

That said, there’s one story I’ve told where I realized my tweaking of details went a bit too far, to the point where the real issues going on were somewhat obscured– and that is the tale of Bubbles: Part 1, Part 2.

The quick recap of those two posts is that “Bubbles” meets “Mike” online and before going out with him, tries to figure out how she feels about some hints that he might be fairly wealthy. Once they meet, Bubbles is disturbed that he turns out to be older than he’d originally said, but despite an initial lack of any real chemistry, wonders if he’s worth seeing again because he just seems… nice. Read the rest of this entry »

Laurie Flynn is a Financial Advisor with Smith Barney and is a supporter of Queercents. She’s written a few posts these past weeks on the topic of investing. These are her words…

Domestic Partnership Checklist

Create a Financial Plan—Together
The best overall strategy is to create a financial plan, addressing your long-term goals and asking the difficult “what if” questions. Then, speak with your legal and tax advisors about preparing these important documents:

Make a will
If you own your house jointly, don’t assume that your partner will automatically receive it if you die. A will and/or a trust confirming your intentions can help ensure that your assets pass as you desire. If you die without a will, intestacy laws will not leave your assets to an unrelated partner. Read the rest of this entry »