It took me about ten years to fully deprogram from Christian indoctrination. Indoctrination is more than going to church on Sunday, saying prayers, or having a spiritual life. It’s a system of grooves in the brain along which thoughts role, an internal highway system. A fully indoctrinated person really only has a few options for how to get from point A to B and it’s unlikely, without some external motivator (like sexual attraction, for example) that an indoctrinated individual will suddenly make a shift in the way they maneuver through the world.
I believed, when I came out at the age of nineteen, that the afterlife was the result of willfully made decisions during one’s life, and that the unknown indeed consisted of the dichotomous halves of heaven and hell. When that unmistakable sexual attraction to a woman finally seeped into my verbal center, I was completely consumed and complete, and I was nothing less than entirely terrified. The thrill of being in love for the first time was countered with constant nausea. I believed that the decision before me was one that would impact me literally for “all of eternity.” In retrospect, it seems completely absurd that I was that person. I remember it finally clicking when a lover, who was also a poet, responded to one of my confused tirades with, “but Christianity uses such small language. There are so many bigger, better ways to explain how beautiful the world is.” Read the rest of this entry »