Queercents

“Give me the luxuries of life and I will willingly do without the necessities.” – Frank Lloyd Wright

I only had a few boyfriends before I came out. Brad happened to be one of them. It was during college and by then we both knew we were gay but in denial. He was worried about what his dad would think. I was worried about God. The fathers eventually became okay with it.

As you can imagine, it wasn’t a hot and heavy romance. In a way it was like pretend-dating where we put on a good heterosexual show. We went on dates but rarely kissed or made out and apparently neither one of us was interested in sex. At least with each other. I think at the time I was actually crushing on Audrey in my accounting class. But that’s for another post.

But Brad and I were buds. We met in the Advertising Club. Okay, we were total geeks too. I remember the first time he walked me to my car and we stood there for what seemed like hours talking about design and Frank Lloyd Wright. Of all the guys that I tried to date, Brad was the only one that seemed to be anything close to a soul-mate. If only his name had been Brenda. Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes the relationship cash flow is less about money and more about manual labor. At least that is what the last weekend or so taught me at our place. They talk about making relationship deposits and withdrawals when it comes to happy long term partnerships and sometimes these deposits look like donating your entire weekend to the greater cause for one partner.

You see I have had an office in our house for my business that I have been using the last few years. It has never really functioned very well as an office, however and for the most part I have dreaded being in it. Now that I am working full time as an entrepreneur being in a space that didn’t allow energy to flow and feelings of joy to spring from my heart wasn’t making the grade. In fact I would go out on a limb to say that it was inhibiting my business’ ability to grow and expand to the next level as I desire it to.

So, a week before Christmas I decided to revamp it entirely from head to toe. With the trusted guidance of some friends and colleagues as well as my partner Kim the plan was set in motion. On my own I started measuring, cutting out little miniature furniture and pushing it around on graph paper. I spent a lot of time envisioning what I really wanted the space to look and feel like. Then I broke the news to Kim — as soon as the holidays were over, we’ve got our work cut out for us and I need you to dedicate an entire weekend to helping me make it happen. Read the rest of this entry »

Okay. I have been avoiding these “Sleeping With Money” posts because I was in the closet about something. I’m dating a lawyer. A corporate litigator, no less. I was in the closet partially because this seems to clash with my radical hippy tightwad version of myself ; and because money with us is hard and complicated. Really, it’s the only thing that is hard and complicated.

I mostly haven’t dated people who have jobs, stick with one job or make more than nine dollars an hour. I usually liked the interesting, slightly messed up creative types like me. Early this year I completely gave up on finding Ms. or Mr. Right. I thought I’d just have a baby by myself some day and my friends had decided I must not be attracted to people who are “worthy” of me. I decided the only person I would consider dating is Ellen Degeneres (if she broke it off with Portia). I wanted someone funny, kind and financially stable. I figured I was asking for the moon in that respect so I mused that I would BECOME FAMOUS instead of having a simple life and I set out to do so. Read the rest of this entry »

Sometimes the most economical way to have a little fun is to go along for the ride with a partner on a business trip. I never used to be too keen on doing this because the trade off between using vacation time and the questionable amount of time you might get to spend together never equated to a positive enough result. However, now that I am more mobile and flexible, I jumped at the chance to tag along for a portion of a recent business trip Kim had to take.

For a number of recent years we’ve gone to New York City to “play” for my birthday. This year, however, due to limited cash flow that idea was nixed in favor of something less expensive but equally fun. When Kim learned last minute that she had to go to NYC for a training class, though, it was the perfect time to combine some fun with company paid expenses.

She had several days of training and then an exam on the final morning leaving much of the day free for fun. So I figured it was the ideal time for me to hop into the city the night before, have fun, lodge for free, and spend an evening and afternoon in the Big Apple with my sweetie among the sights and sounds of the holiday season. Read the rest of this entry »

I recognize the potential of my partner Zac easily out-earning me several years from now. Some day I could have the option of dropping out of the workforce if I wanted. When I tell people that, I’m automatically assumed to be lazy or some sort of gold-digger. Or, they take one look at Zac and see he’s the butch one of the relationship, and somehow, me staying at home makes sense — as if it’s OK to think “masculine = more earning power” when only applied to same-sex couples. If none of the above, then I’m accused of acquiescing to gender roles that parallel outdated heterosexual couple dynamics, thereby setting back homosexuals everywhere.

It’s a no win situation with people, except with Zac. He just wants me to be happy in whatever I do with my life.

If I ever do drop out of the workforce, I know what my motivations would be. I really hate office jobs, and I’d rather focus my time on writing. I rather like domestic life also, but so does Zac — except, he loves his field of work enough to make a lasting career out of it. It just so happens his skill set and education are highly valuable.

So what’s with all the judgment towards homo homemakers? And why am I so afraid of outing myself as someone willing to accept a role as a househusband? Why should anyone have this fear? Read the rest of this entry »

“The decision to kiss for the first time is the most crucial in any love story. It changes the relationship of two people much more strongly than even the final surrender; because this kiss already has within it that surrender.” – Emil Ludwig

I refer to the Year of Nina as the time period between breaking up with Partner #2 and finally meeting Jeanine. I was in my early thirties, on a dating blitz and determined to find the right girl this time around. I needed to kiss a lot of frogs to find my Princess Charming. And kiss I did! But it never got to that point with Jessica despite ten dates… yes, ten dates. And of course I was keeping track.

Jessica, not her real name, but I’ll call her this because her picture on PlanetOut personals looked like Jessica from Kissing Jessica Stein. However the photo she posted was a profile view not frontal and in person her face was much rounder when looking at her straight on. She didn’t look a thing like Jessica Stein. Disappointment number one. Read the rest of this entry »

Buying a new car is always a project. In our house it is one of those “sort of” joint projects. Because we haven’t merged our finances totally we each purchase, pay for, and drive our own cars. Sure, we borrow each other’s car from time to time and most definitely share driving duties on trips we take together. Yet, in the end the decision of what car to buy, when to buy it, and how to go about the process rests with the partner in the driver’s seat (pun intended!). In our latest venture of getting a new car for Kim, a number of interesting learnings played out for us including a few that stand out as unique to lesbian couples.

A while ago I wrote about the decision making process of whether to invest money in more maintenance or just take the dive and buy a new car. Needless to say, Kim decided it was time to buy something new especially since she didn’t enjoy driving the car she had. She spent weeks and weeks pouring over sites like Edmunds , Car and Driver, VEHIX and more researching different cars. She spent an equal amount of time cruising Kelly Blue Book and NADA to get an honest assessment of what her current car was worth as a trade-in. Last but not least she crunched a lot of numbers to determine how much money she could afford to borrow since besides her trade-in she didn’t have any additional funds to use as down payment.

She had all her details set and then it was time for me to get involved by running around on test drives with her. After our experiences with the last two vehicle purchases in 2000 and 2001, we decided we would opt for the Costco Auto Buying approach. It is one of those auto buying programs that has certain dealers in your area that are willing to honor their pre-negotiated prices which are usually several hundred dollars over invoice. It is the no-haggle approach I figured there would still be room for some conversation or negotiation on trade-in value as well as any other extras we might decide we wanted on the car from the base model we first requested. Read the rest of this entry »

Of course, there are exceptions to everything in life, but I’m going out on a limb for this edition of Sleeping with Money to argue that you should never go back to dating your ex. Never! Especially do not start dating your ex again around the holiday season. You are not thinking with your heart. You are thinking from a lonely frame of mind. It’s no crazier to be thinking with your wallet instead.

Why?

Mending a broken relationship is a dim prospect — an investment with diminishing returns. Your time and money could be going to more rewarding relationships in your life, like friends, family, new dates, the local video store, Ben & Jerry’s, anyone or anything that brings more value to your life than your ex can at this minute. Not to take any value away from your ex as a person — one should always cherish the good memories of a past love. However, it makes better sense to keep them as memories. Read the rest of this entry »

“The best way to find your perfect match is to meet love halfway.” – Author Unknown

One of our straight friends is trying to date online and in her words, “It’s been a disaster.” Last Saturday night, she spent five miserable hours on a marathon first date.

“Five hours?” I asked.

She explained they met for a casual dinner, walked around the corner to a gallery event, and then ended up in his truck for a make-out session. The guy was forty-four.

I didn’t know that people still made out in their cars. Apparently they do. Call me old. Or prudish. It’s not that I’m above it… I recall plenty of roadside make out sessions when I first started dating Partner #1 but I was twentysomething and that was classified as frolicsome recreation back then. I haven’t done it since. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve been reading the book “Secrets of the Millionaire Mind” by T. Harv Eker recently and as I stumbled across one section I thought — now THAT is a Sleeping with Money topic! You see, as a coach I often work with people around changing their relationship with money. After all changing our beliefs, thoughts, and relationship with money are the only lasting ways to change your behaviors around money. Sure you can grit your teeth and willpower yourself to a change but 1) it is not sustainable and 2) the minute some difficulty shows up in your life you instantly revert to old behaviors and 3) you’re relying on some external driver to propel you forward which never works, it first must come from within. Clearly everyone has their own relationship with money and money style. In a relationship the challenges of this are compounded. If you think you sometimes feel schizophrenic in your own mental chatter about money, imagine how much fun it is to do the tango with two.

In the book, Eker uses the example of how the meaning he and his wife gave to money were radically different. To him it meant security and freedom and his default behavior was saving. To her it meant pleasure and her default behavior was spending. As you can see, every time he refused to spend because he was following his meaning, he was denying her pleasure. Every time she spent because she wanted some pleasure, she was denying him his freedom and security. As you can imagine this is not a recipe for happy financial partnership whether gay or straight!

So, I brought this question to my own partner this morning at breakfast (yes she LOVES being zapped with deep questions before 7am) — what does money mean to you? Read the rest of this entry »