Trading Authenticity for the Chance at CEO
If you’ve been following along with my writings over time, you already know that I am very big on being true to yourself, authentic, and comfortable in your own skin. That’s why I find a recent article from the Gay & Lesbian Leadership SmartBrief so disturbing. 
Called, “Gay? It’s OK … unless you’re the boss” the article digs deep into the angst many GLBT people feel when it comes to being authentic on the job and their ability to move up the corporate ladder.
While not all companies rank well on the GLBT-friendliness, each year more and more do show up favorably on the HRC Corporate Index. Yet, the policy doesn’t necessarily match practice. I have personally worked in one of those HRC top scoring 100 points companies, yet the reality in the ranks is not as rosy. While I never had a bad experience personally, a lot of people either stay in the closet anyway because they fear coming out will affect their career and/or they come out and experience some degree of un-acceptance whether intentional or not. Consider this statement from the article:
There is homophobia and bigotry in all ranks,” says Jim Freeman, a vice-president at IBM, who is gay. “Corporations can say the door is open all they want. I still have colleagues at IBM who refuse to come out.
… for every out gay in a corporation there are another five in the closet.
No matter what a company says, the reality is that people will still stay in the closet because they value their career aspirations more than their ability to be truly who they are at work. Fear of this type is usually rooted in hidden beliefs like the fear of being rejected by others, not feeling good about who you REALLY are on the inside, or people pleasing. To me, I could never make the tradeoff. Perhaps it is because I am too truthful or just really suck at faking it. Or, maybe my experiences from early on when I was first coming out to myself simply remind me how negative the impact can be on health and relationships when you try to live two lives — one at work, and one at home. Yet, not everyone is they same as me and many people really fear for their career and money making potential. Of course, to that question I would ask – is that really true? Do you know for 100% certain that you can’t experience the career success you desire and the personal integrity that comes from being authentic? Or, is this just what you’ve been told to believe?
While progress may be occurring in the rank and file of companies, it seems that the executive wing still has a “gays need not apply” sign at the door. While there are certainly gays and lesbians in executive ranks, they are few and far between. Who knows how many of those “single” folks that are executives are not really single at all, we’ll never know. The life of an executive is pretty all-encompassing and their personal lives become more public (at least within the corporate ranks), perhaps that is part of the barrier.
The higher workers climb in a company’s hierarchy, the more scrutiny is paid to their personal lives, and being gay can still be a red flag for those doing the promoting. The unspoken attitude is still “that you can be a gay employee, but for God’s sake, don’t be a gay vice-chairman,” said a former senior manager. “I can’t in my wildest dreams imagine going to a function with a vice-chairman of a bank and their gay partner.”
The bottom line question remains — Does being out of the closet limit your financial earning potential? Is your success limited by your ability to play some “pass as straight” game?
If you read articles like the one in this SmartBrief, you might say – yes, indeed – and then get a little more fearful and cower into the closet next to your shoes. However, there are plenty of successful, financially and otherwise, GLBT folks who are out of the closet, even if their faces aren’t on the latest page of the gay media. And, as I say over and over again, your choices depends on your values and how you define success. Are you willing to live two lives in exchange for a perceived and potential financial or career gain? Only you can answer that question and there is no right or wrong answer, only what is right for you.
How about you? What are your thoughts on the professional closet? Any personal experiences or examples you can share? Please do so in the comments….
I can only speak for my experience here. I worked for several years as a VP at a FORTUNE 500 financial firm, and became the first leader of its LGBT employee network. In this role, I gained more cross-firm visibility and managerial experience than I had in my “real” job. If I hadn’t been out–in a very prominent way–this never would have happened.
I will also, however, observe that the lower in the organization, the harder it seemed to be for people to be out. They felt less empowered in their daily jobs, and I think that led to a more general hesitancy–with reason or not–to do anything that might risk their employment. On the other end, it was the support of an out Senior VP that helped push through outreach and policies that gave the firm its HRC 100 ranking and helped it extend its marketing into the LGBT community.
On a general note, I think the more we can show there is money in the LGBT community, the more firms will be willing to take steps to be inclusive–and more than just on paper. Even with an HRC 100 ranking, it’s easy for a firm to lose credibility if an employee who is discriminated against posts on a blog, say. FIrms will know that if they don’t walk the walk, they’ll lose business. It would be nice if they were inclusive for purely altruistic reasons, but I’m afraid there’s a financial component as well.
DAMAGING EFFECTS OF THE CLOSET
When one takes a very close and open minded look at all of the men in high profile positions that have been outed should lead one to believe that simply condemning homosexuality does not work in stopping or preventing it. Many of these men are members of the clergy. It obviously will never work in preventing or stopping homosexual behavior or orientation given the many facts we have available if we dare look. If the clergy themselves who vehemently condemn homosexuality on the pulpit but then in private engage in homosexuality and fantasy I believe provides some important evidence. The evidence of which I speak is that homosexuality goes much deeper than simply acting out physically. There is not a gay man that I have ever talked to that hasn’t admitted to trying or wanting to change their homosexual fantasies even before they have their first experience. We, as gay people learn very early on what behaviors are considered normal and which are considered not only abnormal but abhorrent. I, like so many other young children tried with all of our might to pray these powerful yet disdainful feelings away. Many clergy members choose the clergy for the very reason of trying to rid themselves of these overpowering natural urges. They privately hope that if they join the clergy they will be closer to God and then perhaps he will rid them of these feelings. This is what is meant by “the closet”. The closet is an emotional place that many homosexuals choose to live in, in order to prevent anyone from finding out or discovering their deeply hidden feelings. Both men and woman often do this. In fact most gay people start out in the closet once they have been socialized enough to understand that society does not permit these types of activities or feelings of same sex attractions. Instead these young boys and girls are forced into pretending that they have “normal” feelings of attraction like all the other kids. Unfortunately many choose to live in the closet for long periods of time causing more emotional harm to themselves and more victims of the deception.
The length of time one chooses to live in the closet has to do with so many variables. Some choose to live in the closet for religious reasons. They may be from deeply religious and socially conservative families. They may feel that by exposing their true nature that they may lose the love of their parents, families or their caretakers and are terrified of being shut out in some way such as losing their love or being punished for their feelings. They may also choose the closet for professional reasons. They may carry fear of losing their jobs or have fear of moving up in a company. Therefore economics can be a very powerful reason for staying in the closet way into their adulthood. I believe strongly that the topic of “the closet” needs to be addressed and understood. I believe it is essential to discuss “the closet” to provide the necessary context from which to view this issue and the many scandals. Particularly now however I am speaking of men at this time. The reason being is because I believe men use the closet even more often than woman because of societies more narrow view and expectations of what behaviors are considered acceptable and “normal” for men. This discussion needs to be civilized, and our knee jerk reactions and judgments held in check. We need to discuss this subject with compassion because there is a lot of emotional pain involved in living in the closet. We have to discuss this with a very sincere desire to try and understand why so many men are seemingly suddenly becoming gay. Of course this is an impression to some but far from the truth. These men have been living extremely lonely double lives, riddled with guilt in “the closet”. Woman can be tomboys much easier than men can be sissies. Of course not all gay men are effeminate by a long shot but that is a stereotypical image of gay men and therefore many men attempt to cover up any behaviors they may have and believe may bring unwanted suspicion onto them. Therefore men, whether they be gay or straight, will practice stereotypical masculine behaviors to thwart any suspicion out of fear and/or necessity. This is especially true if they feel pressure to do so to protect their careers, career advancement, fear of social denunciation or they have difficulties reconciling their religious views with their natural inner feelings and same sex attractions etc. These are however the most common reasons for men to join the astounding numbers of other men that are also hiding in the closet.
The fear of being discovered can be enormous and absolutely terrifying. These men will often then do whatever they believe society expects from them. They will marry and have children out of desperation in an always unsuccessful attempt at suppressing these natural longings and hoping that they will eventually go away. To Gays these attractions feel perfectly normal and are. Would we rather they try and unsuccessfully continue to hide by getting married and have homosexual secret liaisons with men and feel terrible guilt in doing so. They will do their very best to compartmentalize their lives and be successful at it for awhile but not forever. However I believe and have found while researching my book that the longer one stays in the closet the more damage is done. It is generally very difficult to compartmentalize ones life for long without some emotional problems developing in varying degrees and manifesting in a variety of ways. Many closeted men develop coping mechanisms such as addictive behaviors of all sorts whether they are alcoholism, prescription or non prescription drug abuse. They may develop addictions to pornography, sexual addiction or other self-destructive ways of acting out. Once again unfortunately the longer one stays in the closet there will then also generally be more victims because of their closeted lifestyle choice. This is the only place where the word choice can be used correctly within the context of this subject. They can either “choose” to live in the closet or “choose” to live out their truth of who they really are. The victims may be their wives and children, their friends, parents and siblings. All feeling like they have been betrayed and deceived when the closeted individuals true nature is discovered as it was for ex-governor of New Jersey, Mr. McGreevy, ex-congressmen Foley and now the president of the Evangelicals, to name just a few of the staggering number of men that have also been hiding their true selves. I feel very sad for the victims as well as I very much understand the humiliation, despair, and profound depression that the closeted individual feels that soon follows once that door to the closet is flung open. For some, the shame and fear is just too unbearable and suicide seems like the only alternative to ending their unbearable pain and shame.
Society needs to take some responsibility with this matter of the closet by being more accepting of alternative lifestyles. Without the closet, try and imagine how much less pain many people and families would have to endure. Not only the ones that feel that living in the closet is their only alternative, but for the victims that find themselves feeling betrayed and the breaking up of families that soon follows. We as a culture have some soul searching to do on this matter and not be so self-righteous. There are a variety of ways of loving and living. We need to accept the fact, that which seems to be normal for some is not necessarily normal for all. However, as I said the closet can cause deep and very troubling emotional problems that can eventually manifest in abhorrent behaviors. Unfortunately homosexuality is still frowned upon by many in American culture, which in turn renders same sex marriage completely out of the realm of possibilities for especially the conservative religious right.
For gays that feel the need to come to terms with their same sex attractions, I generally do not recommend discussing these issues with clergy. The reason I feel this way is because it can cause further damage due to their religious agendas which can deepen one’s guilt, shame and depression. This is a very complicated issue that society has to become more compassionate about. If we do not, we will continue to shame many people with same sex attractions enough that will perpetuate their confusion. It will also inhibit many from being true to themselves from the beginning and also prevent them from seeking the appropriate help for any specific personal issues in which they may be struggling with. Thank you, Aaron Silver Fennville Mi 49408 http://www.aaronjasonsilver.com
I suspect there are many more gays and lesbians in executive suites than is generally believed. Many queer professionals trade their authenticity for career and financial success and can pass indefinitely under the cloak of heterosexual marriage.
The closeted senator, the member of Congress, the governor – members of a small elite professional political class. Extrapolate the numbers to the much larger corporate executive class and you’ll gain a sense of the potential size of this group.
I had a lesbian classmate who became a Fortune 500 senior executive. She’s closeted and married and enjoying great professional success. I can’t imagine living such a life – I made an early decision to reject the corporate lifestyle, so I never had to make such a tradeoff – but it’s out there.