WWYD: Would You Disrupt Your Life to Provide Care for Aging Parents?
Mindy Fetterman at USA Today reports, “Forty-one percent of baby boomers who have a living parent are helping take care of them, with personal help, financial assistance or both, according to a USA TODAY/ABC News/Gallup Poll.
“Of those boomers who aren’t providing care for parents now, 37% think they will someday. And about half of them say they’re concerned about their ability to do so.”
A few weeks ago my mom celebrated her 69th birthday. My dad is just a few months younger. Both my parents have diabetes, and their health is a frequent concern — sometimes, and most recently, a serious matter. Dad recently experienced a life-threatening blood sugar attack.
I’ve been giving thought to my parents’ health and their precarious retirement situation. I’m hoping things work out with the family business, and that my dad gets to retire as planned. But I’m not sure what’s going to happen as they age, and as my life gets more complicated as well. The picture being painted is that they are going to require lots of care as they get older. I just wonder how all of that is going to happen.
To be completely honest, I don’t have a very close relationship with most of my family because of my lifestyle. They’re conservative; I’m gay; we just don’t talk about it. There are hardly any fights this way. I get to focus on making a career and family for myself instead of fighting with people who will never change unless they want to. I know lots of people with relatively distant relationships with their family, but not because of homosexuality. Often members of a family don’t see eye to eye, so some families choose to disengage instead of argue.
It seems as though time is running out and that I’ll have to confront some tough family issues. We’ll all have to put our differences aside to work together and ensure my parents receive the care they will need in the near future. To me, that seems to be the bigger challenge than acknowledging the other elephant in the room: What boundaries do you set in providing care for your parents?
Fetterman points out the reality in how caring for aging parents impacts one’s life. She explains that “for a typical unpaid caregiver who has a regular job, the care required of an elderly relative forces her to cut the hours she works at the regular job by about 41%, thereby shrinking her pay and benefits, AARP has found.
“At the same time, unpaid caregivers who contribute their own money spend an average of $2,400 a year on care, according to AARP.”
There are plenty of resources available to help caregivers avoid a “less income, less benefits, more money to aging parents” scenario. However, there are also plenty of resources for proper retirement planning and health management, but do enough people really take advantage of these opportunities to establish a financially and physically healthy future?
It’s not just a matter preserving your lifestyle and bank account that makes planning for your parents’ future a delicate balancing act. Time, money and energy are limited resources. When these considerations come up against family histories, tensions, and striving for personal goals, the question of whether you would disrupt your life to provide care for aging parents isn’t as easy as some people would like think. Planning guides can’t help all families come to a solution for aging parents’ care. Every family is different, and there are a whole range of responses and considerations for this issue. What would you do?
John,
If I were in your shoes, I would research long term care insurance for your parents. If it’s not cost prohibitive at this stage, then they should get it.
My parents got LTC insurance several years ago and as I watch them age, I believe it will be the smartest financial move they have ever made. It certainly will help there children.
By the way, I come from a family of four children and I’m the only one that moved away. That said, it’s ironic how the “burden” typically falls on one kid. My oldest sister is a saint and would be running a nursing home someday if they hadn’t bought insurance.
My partner and I moved back to her home town 2 years ago to care for her parents. We are blessed in the fact that we both have very accepting families…makes it much easier to be the caring daughter-in-law. We have several friends in long-distance relationships because one of the two is home taking care of parents…that would be tough.
Been there and done that. Both of my parents passed away after long illnesses. Fortunately, my sister and I were able to split the care for them between the two of us. To compound the difficulty I was dealing with Lupus at the time. (thankfully i’m in remission now). Being a healthcare professional I took care of getting them to doctor appointments and making medical decisions when they no longer could; my sister took care of financial issues and whatever else came up. It was extremely hard for both of us. When I needed my sis she was there and when she needed me I was there and we were both there for our parents 100%. It actually brought my sister and I closer together.
As a healthcare professional (respiratory therapist) I see many family’s during critical times of a loved one. I have to say an awful lot of people are dying alone with no-one to hold their hand. On the other hand there are the family’s who are in total denial who plan for the return home of their loved one who has pretty much no chance of survival. Both situations are difficult to observe.
I would advise every family to have honest discussions about end of life care before it happens. Everyone in the family needs to be clear on the issue. The one thing that eased things for me in making medical decisions for my parents was that I knew what they did and did not want.
Also see a financial planner to discuss how to protect the inheritance you will leave and/or how to keep medical care from bankrupting you. Do that way in advance before there are any health situations. We were shocked by the rules of medicare.
I probably wouldn’t disrupt my life to care for them. I would need to give up work which would leave me on benefits (welfare).
I would consider disrupting their lives by moving them to where I’m based. And if one of my siblings was providing care, I’d help them our wherever I could – respite care and money are the first two things that come to mind.