“We go through what we go through to help others go through what we went through.” – Emily Perl Kingsley

Lesbian adoptionJeanine and I found out last week that our third attempt with IVF was unsuccessful. It was painfully hard to hear the news since this try had a certain finality attached to it. We’re out of money. Or at least the money set aside to make a baby. $55,000 later and we still don’t have a baby.

As much as I’ve written and stressed out about the financial part of this journey, our sadness has nothing to do with the money. The money was well spent since we wanted our baby. Technically, it would have been Jeanine’s bio-baby, but I had romanticized the importance of Jeanine’s flesh and blood in our baby. Multiply these feelings 1000 times and you have an idea about the loss she’s mourning at the moment. It’s a heartbreaking time and I’m not sure how long it takes to get over something like this.

Prior to this latest IVF procedure, we planned ahead and signed up for an open adoption seminar this past weekend. Ever since reading Dan Savage’s book, The Kid, I’ve thought open adoption is the way to go when it comes to adoption methods. Jeanine needs more convincing.

We still haven’t ruled out a try with donor eggs, but we wanted to start looking at adoption if our final try with IVF didn’t work. As we were sitting in a meeting room at a nondescript South Orange County hotel, we realized perhaps that the wounds were too raw to be participating in a public forum that encouraged sharing. During the video segment, Jeanine and I were the only ones teary-eyed… didn’t anyone else find the pleas from wannabe mothers to be heart wrenching? Apparently not.

After the video, the social worker passed out materials and one article was written by Bruce M. Rappaport, PhD, the Founder of the Independent Adoption Center: His words, albeit written, were the most poignant of the day:

People outside of adoption are often surprised by how difficult it is for most couples to switch from receiving medical treatments to pursuing parenthood through adoption. After all, the medical treatments are usually protracted, expensive, and even humiliating. Once the treatment has proceeded for over a year or more, the chances of a success are slight. Yet, after spending thousands of dollars on medical treatments, and many hours of time and energy, couples are hesitant to write off the investment. They may still believe that somehow, some way, they can have their own biological child. Besides, many couples are so exhausted from the ups and downs of the medical treatments that trying a whole new approach, like adoption, seems out of the question.

If any or all of these feelings or experiences seem familiar to you, they were also familiar to most of the thousands of people who have since become parents through adoption. Almost all of them found themselves on one form or other of the medical treadmill… for most people, the turning point came when they realized that, although they would mourn the loss of a pregnancy and childbirth, the joy of being a mother or father, no matter how that happened, was far more important.

Jeanine and I want to be parents. It’s important to us. The seminar was free but the total estimated costs for open adoption are $15,000 - $20,000. We didn’t commit with a check. We need more time and want to do additional due diligence. But the time will come and I’m sure I’ll write about the experience and the money we’ll be spending.