HomeI recognize the potential of my partner Zac easily out-earning me several years from now. Some day I could have the option of dropping out of the workforce if I wanted. When I tell people that, I’m automatically assumed to be lazy or some sort of gold-digger. Or, they take one look at Zac and see he’s the butch one of the relationship, and somehow, me staying at home makes sense — as if it’s OK to think “masculine = more earning power” when only applied to same-sex couples. If none of the above, then I’m accused of acquiescing to gender roles that parallel outdated heterosexual couple dynamics, thereby setting back homosexuals everywhere.

It’s a no win situation with people, except with Zac. He just wants me to be happy in whatever I do with my life.

If I ever do drop out of the workforce, I know what my motivations would be. I really hate office jobs, and I’d rather focus my time on writing. I rather like domestic life also, but so does Zac — except, he loves his field of work enough to make a lasting career out of it. It just so happens his skill set and education are highly valuable.

So what’s with all the judgment towards homo homemakers? And why am I so afraid of outing myself as someone willing to accept a role as a househusband? Why should anyone have this fear?

As I was telling a friend / informal expert on gender roles that I wasn’t looking forward to writing about this topic for this week’s Sleeping With Money edition, the first thing she said was, “But that sounds like the classic problem with capitalism, and high powered jobs like an attorney, etc. One person can only succeed in a job like that if either they’re single and have no one they need to take care of / spend time with, or if they have a ‘support person’ at home who will deal with the nitty gritty details of everyday life (groceries, daycare, maintaining the house, pets, organizing social calendar…) preferably for free.”

What she said pretty much echoed this “Wedded to Work, and in Dire Need of a Wife” article by the New York Times, except my friend’s comment was gender neutral.

According to the Times article, in many two-income families, heterosexual women are wishing for a wife at home that will take care of household responsibilities, or as one interviewee explains:

“Men lock the door and leave. Things could be a wreck or whatever and it doesn’t affect their other world,” Ms. Santana said. “I walk out and worry about the house looking nice, because the kids have play dates, etc. Someone has to worry about that, and it’s usually not the dad.”

I’m not buying it Ms. Santana. Domestic affairs are not just for women. Having immigrant parents from Ecuador meant that I would have to challenge many traditional and cultural values my parents wanted to bring over to the U.S. A woman’s role in a family was one of them.

My dad ran a business and my mom stayed at home to raise five kids. The problem here was that by the time all her kids were old enough to take care of themselves, my mom wanted to get a job so that she could spend money without having to get her husband’s approval first. My dad wouldn’t hear of it. The idea of a working wife was not tolerable to him. (I’m well aware my family has issues — you don’t need to remind me.)

I wanted my mom to have a job, because that’s what she wanted. If she didn’t want to work, I would have supported her in that too. The reality was that she could afford to be a stay at home mom, but the other reality is that it should have been her choice whether she works or not. I’m sure most people would agree with me.

Clearly looking at my mom’s ordeal, I’m not inspired to one day become a househusband to conform to gender roles / sexual positions / other BS. I’d only do it because I’d want to and because, as my informal expert friend helped to point out:

1. Zac wouldn’t make me financially dependent on him.
2. We’d likely negotiate how money is divided and spent.
3. Zac would never hold it against me that he’s the bread winner.
4. We’d likely negotiate expectations of household duties and emotional support.
5. I have a college education and marketable skills that would allow me to return to the workforce.
6. As a gay man, I have many years of experience living contrary to expectations, and thus can make decisions accordingly.
7. I have a choice in whether I want to be househusband.

How much of this was possible for the typical 50’s housewife? It certainly wasn’t for my own mom.

To me, the decision to become a househusband / housewife boils down to whether or not it’s a viable option. It doesn’t get more complicated than that any way you slice it.

But that’s just my perspective. What’s your take on leaving the workforce to become a homo homemaker? Do you think that similar forces are at play as in the heterosexual world, or is the story unique on a case by case basis? I’d love to hear your thoughts.