How to Find a Fantabulous Nanny: A Semi-cautionary Tale
So we’ve just gone on the market for a nanny. It’s an odd business, finding a substitute mama for your baby. What is it that you’re paying for, exactly? Skill? Sensitivity? A clean driving record?
All that, and something more. Something priceless. Something bordering on the impossible: piece of mind.
There’s no formula for how to find a good nanny, but here are some tips that I picked up along the way, that I think are particularly relevant for queer families.
1) Be clear about what you want, and what you’re offering.
Find out what the going rates are for the best quality nannies in your area, and offer exactly that. Don’t be cheap, but don’t try to buy quality and loyalty, either.
Be crystal-clear about your expectations. In my first email or phone exchange, I make it clear that my household is a queer, nonsmoking, no-t.v. household. I also explain that I will be home much of the time when the nanny is there (I am a writer), but that I need the nanny to leave me alone as much as possible.
Be clear about what you’re flexible about, and what you’re not: it’s absolutely crucial that my nanny come on time in the morning, because the morning is my best writing time, but I’m flexible about having her leave a bit early when necessary. Potential candidates, armed with this info,can decide at the front end whether or not this works for them, rather than wasting both of our time. Don’t be afraid to be forthright about your needs.
2) Ask an open-ended question like ‘œHave you worked with LGBTQ families before?’
The important part of the answer isn’t whether they have or not; it’s how they answer.
One woman giggled, as if talking about such matters directly made her uncomfortable. Another seemed defensive: ‘œYes, and I don’t think it makes any difference; you could be purple, and I wouldn’t care.’ But we’re not purple; we’re queer. And there are differences. And I don’t need to pay homophobes to care for my daughter. One woman said, ‘œNo, but my brother is gay and I am very comfortable with lgbt people.’ She got the job.
3) Use your LGBTQ parenting networks to ‘˜suss out a good nanny.
Of course there are agencies, straight parenting networks, and myriad other sources, but we found that queer parenting networks’”both informal word-of-mouth conversations about nannies with friends and formal online queer parenting groups’”were the best source. I didn’t try the agencies; I am not a fan of paying middle men/women, and I trust my own judgment better than any agency’s. Which brings me to’¦
4) Don’t be afraid to contact references and do other sleuthing.
I ask to see driver’s licenses, social security cards, and other forms of i.d., and I call ALL references. This is your child’s welfare we’re talking about. If someone seems uncomfortable with this level of scrutiny, that’s a good indicator that there’s something unsavory in their past. I also ask for a written resume, which gives me a sense of their work history and education, of course, but also of their level of literacy, which is very important to me. I want a nanny who loves to read, who is articulate and intelligent, and who will engage my daughter verbally and visually. I want a queer-friendly Mary Poppins, in other words.
5) Do a paid ‘˜trial run’ with your top two choices
Some one can look great on paper, give good phone, and so on, but the proof is in how they interact with your child. I don’t expect anyone to work for free, so I insist that we do a paid hour with me present before I finalize my decision.
6) Trust your gut
I interviewed two equally qualified nannies. One was actually slightly more credentialed and experienced, but you know what? I just didn’t like her. She seemed more interested in having gal talk with me than in engaging with my daughter. The other one was quieter, less experienced, and focused entirely on my daughter during our trial run. She’s the one.
So, how did you find your Mary Poppins? Tips? War stories? Readers, give us the straight dope on the nanny racket! (I’ve been reading too many Raymond Chandler novels’¦.)
I tried being a babysitter/manny during one summer in college. I went on several interviews, but no one seemed comfortable with a male childcare provider.
As a nanny myself, I can’t tell you how important it is to be upfront. I’ve been on many interviews where it doesn’t become clear until the end that a parent will be home much of the time, or the days are irregular, etc. If families would advertise clearly, everyone would waste far less time!
AJ: I used female pronouns because the folks I interviewed were all female, but I’d be fine with a male nanny.
Rebecca: Thanks for the comment–I agree that all parties need to be clear about what the expectations are
Dana: Thanks for the Mombian shout out!
Great tips!
Because my partner works from home and our house layout is not conducive to both working and kid-wrangling, we never considered a nanny long-term. But we had a great “manny” for the 2 months between when I had to go back to work and when a slot opened up for my son at day care.
I was a nanny last year for five catholic children. As a gay 19 year old, this was NOT the job for me. They hired me before they met me, paid me shit, and instructed me I was NOT to speak at all about who I dated. I was not to have any dates over to the house, though the oldest girl (15) told me that their multiple former nannies had all been permitted to bring home their male partners. It was ridiculous. And they all got praised because they were being so “inclusive” by hiring a queer woman.
Liza, glad to hear you had a good manny experience.
Ang, that sounds horrifying! I think ideally the hiring process is a two-way street-the nanny is interviewing the family as much as the family is interviewing the nanny. But sometimes people hide their prejudices at first…I’m so sorry you had such a terrible experience. I wish we had a queer nanny!
Well, mine was an awkward situation. Essentially I didn’t have anywhere to live, and some relatives of a friend wanted a nanny. If I had it to do over again (which I can honestly say I never will, though I still love kids and babysitting and such) I’d definitely look into doing it the “right” way.
As a nanny of 14 years experience (and now parent coach!), I can say that finding a great nanny is as hard as finding great parents. I often found that parents would lie to me about the job environment and other small things to get me to sign a contract because good childcare is hard to find. This is a wonderful mom’s perspective article, Jennifer, though we differ about pay.(I believe in paying more for excellent qualifications and references.) I’m glad you found Mary Poppins at an affordable rate!
could someone tell me how i can begin applying for queer nanny jobs? that’d be EVER so helpful!!!
thegayestgoth, if I were you, I’d look online to see if there are some local lgbt chat groups. Send a note to the moderator telling them that you’re queer and would like to nanny for a queer family–she or he will pass it on. Also post notices at your lgbtq center, local birth centers, etc. Let local doulas and midwives know, too.
See how much it costs to run an ad in your local rag. You could even run an ad on a website like this one, or Mombian, or others that seem to attract queer parent traffic.
Good luck…