Doorknobs that Lock‘œS’ is the writer at of Doorknobs That Lock, a blog about 2 lesbians + 1 preteen son that equals a lot of interesting moments. I asked her to write a guest post about blending their family and finances. These are her words’¦

My partner and I joke sometimes that we must be anti-lesbians. Not only was there no U-Haul on our second date, we’re actually not getting the U-Haul until this summer, shortly after the second anniversary of our first date. Part of the reason for taking things slowly is because we’ve each learned the hard way what happens when you rush into relationships and living together. And part of the reason is because I have a preteen son, so we’ve got all the emotions and logistics of a blended family to work through.

Blending a family also adds some wrinkles to the usual challenges couples face blending their finances. Most of the financial advice I’ve been able to find for new couples assumes the two people are coming from roughly similar financial stages in life, and generally that they’re both fairly unencumbered. They may have a few student loans or credit card debt, but nothing too complicated. But what happens when the two people come with very different sets of assets and obligations?

That’s the situation my partner and I are in. I’ve always worked in a fairly stable field that’s currently thriving, and I was fortunate enough to buy a nice house in the suburbs before real estate prices went crazy. A decade ago, with some help from a sperm bank, I had a child on my own. Meanwhile, my partner has a cat and a month-to-month lease. She’s currently working for a non-profit, after having ridden the dot-com boom and bust without accumulating much in the way of assets — unless you count the diploma of a previous girlfriend she put through school.

When we discussed what our combined finances would look like, totally merging finances didn’t appeal to either of us. I felt an obligation to make sure I could still provide for my son regardless of how the relationship worked out, and my partner had been burnt in the past by combining everything with a girlfriend. So we both agreed right away to use the ‘œthree-pot’ system, keeping both of our individual accounts and opening up a new joint account to pay whatever we agreed should be joint household expenses. The big question was how to handle housing costs.

Since my mortgage is within 4 years of being paid off, my partner wouldn’t achieve much equity in the house even if she contributed to the mortgage payments, so we agreed that the mortgage and property taxes would remain my responsibility, and the house would remain in my name. The general advice to couples to rent or buy a new place together was out, since it would have meant leaving a neighborhood my son loves, and would have been enough for him to veto the whole partner-moving-in concept. But we’re determined to make the house feel like ours rather than mine, and so we have some serious painting planned to give the interior a very different look. After years of living in rented apartments, my partner is looking forward to painting walls in the vibrant colors we chose. We’ve already planted trees together in the yard.

The fact that my partner won’t be paying mortgage or rent will more than offset the increased commuting costs she’ll have once we’re living together. Childcare costs will remain generally my responsibility, though my partner offered to pay part of the cost for a computer summer camp that she thinks my son would love in a couple years. She’s already contributing to the ‘œwho’s going to take this minor holiday off from work to stay home with the kid, and can you take him to the orthodontist while you’re at it’ aspect of childcare. And until someday DOMA is repealed, our healthcare and health insurance costs are best kept separate.

We’ll have roughly similar incomes after the mortgage and property taxes are subtracted out, and so we’ll each contribute 50/50 to our joint account to cover food, heat, water, utilities, and general household expenses. Splitting things evenly also helps reflect that my partner is happy to be a parent to my son, and so the grocery bills that a growing boy can generate are a joint expense, not just mine. We split costs for our family vacation last summer fairly evenly as well. Saving up for our wedding will be a 50/50 project, too — even if it means paying more for the printed invitations she wants, and not just sending the Evites I keep joking about.

So we’ve got a plan, and we’ll see how it goes. We’ve still got a few details to work out, like whether we will get cable and who will pay for it. (Based on who wants it, I think my partner and my son should split that bill!) But we’re good at having honest discussions, and we’re comfortable re-negotiating things if necessary, which are probably the most important aspects of all when blending finances.

More about Doorknobs that Lock
Who they are:

S ‘“ the mom.

E ‘“ the girlfriend.

M ‘“ the boy.

1 cat and 2 hamsters 1 hamster ‘” our collective pets.

Ten years ago, with some help from a sperm bank, S became a ‘œsingle mother by choice’ to M. Two years ago, it seemed time for S to jump back into the dating pool. Meanwhile, E was giving online dating one last chance before turning into a crazy cat lady. S and E met, and pretty quickly realized that they had something wonderful. They’re still adjusting, all 3 of them, to life as a family together ‘“ a process that has proven more entertaining than they ever could have expected. Their blog can be found at Doorknobs that Lock.