The Economics of Coming Out: Financial Independence
Currently, as an undergraduate college student of middle-class upbringing, I have a sort of hybrid financial situation: my parents pay the difference between my tuition and my scholarships, and I’m on theirs and the college’s health and dental insurance. On the other hand, all other financial goals and needs are in my own hands. I have not lived with them the past two summers, so I’ve gotten a taste of living on my own. This has been really amazing’”I have a lot of class and race privilege, and this allows me to essentially attend school where I please’”a small private college in the South.
On the other hand though, I am considering coming out to them. This is going to be a scary process. The most frightening aspect is that they will probably cut me off. As I’ve been looking for resources to know what to do if this happened, I have found that there is a surprising lack of advice for queer youth who may find themselves cut off from their parents. So for my first post, I thought I would share with you my last chance financial plan. Clearly, these are colored by my class identity and how I live in the world’”but I think that they’ll be a good starting place for us to discuss what it is you really need when you are young and considering coming out.
1. Money to get me where I need to be
My partner lives in Austin, and I would need to be able to afford to get to Austin in some way. Luckily, I already have plane tickets for Christmas, but if this were earlier in the year I would need to make sure I have enough to get there somehow.
This can manifest itself in several ways, and it doesn’t mean you have to fly halfway across the country. You will probably need to get out of the house’”by bus, by car, by plane, by train’”and waiting until you at least have enough money to count on being able to afford transportation is important.
2. Enough money to finish the semester’s tuition payments
I have debated whether transferring or finishing out the year would be a better thing to do for me if my parents cut me off. Ultimately, though tuition is more expensive and climbs about 5% every year at my school, I would have to take an extra year at whichever school I would go to in Austin. So finishing out at least this year seemed to be the best idea for me.
3. A phone plan
My partner and I do not have a home phone because we both have cell phones. However, if my parents ended my plan, I would need to get a land line or a new cell provider. When I looked at the best way to do this, I considered getting a pay-as-you-go phone and using free internet phone service (like Skype) as much as possible.
4. Thinking beyond finishing this year of school
School for me has more benefits than just continuing my education and getting started on my career while I’m younger’”it also provides me with a health clinic and health insurance, shelter, food, and a job if I stayed at my old school. But it is also more expensive than I could afford, and I do not have enough savings to pay for a year on my own.
5. Employment
Perhaps the most frightening thing about being cut off is that I would be underemployed. I currently work at my college’s writing center, only able to bill ten hours a week. Employment would be a tricky thing wherever I went, and something that would shape where my safe space would be.
By sharing my plan with you, I want to show that coming out is more than just a scary process’”it can be one that really forces you to become independent with your finances. Coming out never happens on a schedule, so if you are younger and are thinking about coming out, I would advise you to sit down and think about everything that you will need, how you can get it, and where you are with your finances now.
Now, I want to ask you all’”have you ever had to deal with financial separation from your parent or guardian? What did you do that worked? What made it hard? What is something that no one realizes you need?
Photo credit: stock.xchng.
Neil: I came out when I was 26 so I was already on my own at that time. That said, your post makes me wonder how my parents might have reacted if I had come out in college. I suspect I would have faced a similar dilemma.
You should check out the number of LGBT college scholarships available… specifically those offered through The Point Foundation.
Regardless, it’s great to hear that you’re putting together a plan before having the conversation with your folks. Once you come out, just say the word and I’ll post a photo that gets your nose out of that book!
Are you aware of the Point Foundation? I believe it exists for situations just like this. You might be able to preemptively get in touch with someone there as a “just in case” thing.
This is interesting! As you pointed out, it’s hard to find financial advice for what to do should your parents cut you off, yet it’s sadly not uncommon when people come out. I know that I’ve been struggling for years over admitting to myself that I’m a lesbian, partially because, well, if I came out to my parent, the odds are really pretty high that I’d be cut off. And, well, my family’s rich and I was never prepared to work for a living until I started realizing that I found women a lot more attractive than men.
I’ve figuring out what I would need for this myself, and the first thing I would suggest is make a list of what exactly your parents pay for. Then figure out how you could cover it or if you could go without. And be aware that you may not be able to for a fair amount of time. I’ve found a lot of things my parent still pays for, and am working on disentangling it, from my cell phone to my health insurance. At the moment, I very simply can’t afford to come out to my parent due to a variety of factors (mostly due to my health) and therefore I won’t be until I am healthy and can afford to, which will most likely take several years.
I do think that figuring out exactly what it will take to be able to afford to be disowned by your parents without losing everything is extremely useful though. Maybe you can’t come out tomorrow, but it has given me a solid goal to aim for, which I find invaluable.
I’m probably going to get a lot of flack for this but…
There is an old saying “Discretion Is The Better Part Of Valor”.
I will also most likely be accused of telling you to be deceptive to your family.
Sorry to say but the deception started when you hit puberty and you’ve been diverging from what your family both thought of and expected of you.
I would say say/do nothing until you have finished college at which point you will have prepared yourself for life on your own.
If you believe you will be cut off, and I know I sound VERY mercenary at this point but I have no emotional entanglements in this discussion, you need to continue on as if nothing has changed.
I know it is hard and will not seem a fair way to treat your partner but frankly if you and your partner can’t withstand the pressures of this for one, two, or three, years then your relationship won’t be able to withstand any sort of long term problem that might be much worse…like a health problem or the pressures of starting and getting a business up and running.
Once you get out in the world you will find that, as Jimmy Carter once said, “Life Is Unfair” (being candid cost him Re-election) and in many a situation it is better to be silent than risk all.
I wish it was different but its reality.
~ Roland
Neil, great post. I’m glad that someone is addressing this really important topic. When I came out at 19, I was kicked out of the house. I went to the financial aid office to explain my situation to see if there was a way to up my financial aid and they told me no, not until I turned 24 and was considered an independent.
This is a lie. I now know that if you can get your parents to sign a affidavit that they provide zero financial support, you will be considered an independent and therefore become eligible for more financial aid. The problem, of course, is that many people are at a real physical danger if they try to go back to their parents to get this piece of paper. On the other hand, if you are still considered a dependent, you will have to get your parent’s tax info to file the FAFSA. And the same question of personal safety applies. The federal government needs to make more accommodations for people who are in this situation.
I went to school part time and worked full time as an undergrad. It took 6+ years to finish my degree, but I graduated with only $10,000 in student loan debt because I never took out loans until my last year. Unfortunately for me, I maxed out my credit card when I was first kicked out of my house. It only had an $800 balance on it, but it still took me forever to pay that off because I was only making the minimum payments. In the end, it would have been better if I had more of a plan for financial stability before I cam out. I was outed, though, so this really ramped up the time frame of my coming out.
I disagree with Roland because of emotional, not financial reasons. I don’t know your situation, Neil, but since Nina mentioned in your intro that you’re trans, your coming out process is really different than those of us who are just LGB. I don’t know what stage of transition you’re in, or what your plans as far as T and surgery are. But I am guessing that your desire to travel down the transition path might have something to do with your decision to come out to your folks. This isn’t just a matter of hiding your feelings about your partner. This is a matter of living as the gender that is right for you. It gets kind of hard to hide the fact that you’re taking T. And I would say that your mental health and emotional well being are ultimately priceless. If you feel that it’s the right time to come out, then it’s the right time to come out. At least you’re being responsible enough to think about the financial implications.
I think you’re ahead of the game by even considering what you would need and would need to do. You’re right that they might cut you off and it’s important that you’ve weighed your options. Is the cost of honesty and openness worth the loss of their supporting you (partially) through the rest of your schooling? If so, then there you go and you’re on the right track.
@nina and wtto: re: point foundation
Gah, I love the Point Foundation! Their namesake scholarship specifically says it exists for “those who have been abandoned by family and other support systems because of their sexual orientation or gender identity.” They also have several other amazing scholarships.
@oka
I particuarly liked that you noted: “the first thing I would suggest is make a list of what exactly your parents.”
This is a really important part. The hard part is, particularly when you are a minor, you’d have to ask to find out! Luckily, I’ve become independant enough that I can make my list without that awkward conversation.
@FrugalZen
I agree with you somewhat. Unfortunately, lgbt folks don’t always have a choice about coming out, and I really didn’t this go around. And certainly, there are things I’m still not out about to my parents. I have already come out about being queer to my parents, around when I was 15, but they weren’t in the know about my relationship. Now that I’m out to them about that, I still have things to come out to them about (like being trans). So I think it’s a little more complicated than “don’t come out until it’s safe.”
Another point, though, was that I was mentally ready to take the plunge if separation did occur. I think what you were meaning to convey is if it’s not feasible for you to come out, don’t do it. But I was ready, and I would have dealt with the consequences if it had ended badly.
Also, for you and for everyone else, I came out to them a few weeks ago and everything went a lot better than I thought it would. Crisis averted!
Even so, it was good and important for me to make the plan.
@Serena
You said: “but since Nina mentioned in your intro that you’re trans, your coming out process is really different than those of us who are just LGB.”
I think this is a really important point. Honestly, I don’t know if there ever will be a day that I could come out to my parents about being trans. At least not until I was completely financially independent.
Many of my friends who were trans who have come out have had a spectrum of responses from their family, like other lgb folks. But on the whole, I think it’s much more important for young trans folk to really take into consideration everything because it seems that trans folks are generally more likely to be cut off from their parents when they come out.
First, I’d encourage you to come out for your mental health. In the long term, you will be happy you did.
You don’t know for sure how your parents will react. Granted, you have a better idea than we do, but your parents could surprise you. My parents, who I thought would be indifferent, offered and gave me extra money–for HAV/HBV/HPV vaccination and as a coming out present, who knew? I’m not saying your parents will be supportive–just that things could not be as bad as you imagine. Plus, they may already know or suspect that you are gay.
I would strongly encourage you to stay in college if that is what you want. Work hard, make good grades, and you’ll be happier in the long run. YOU ***CAN*** GET FINANCIAL AID FOR THESE SITUATIONS, as mentioned above. You ***CAN*** be declared independent of your parents. Be prepared to fight for it and maybe seek legal help if it is difficult. If that fails, it’s not too late to apply to transfer to a different school–preferable one that is need blind and meets 100% of demonstrated need. You may end up with grants instead of loans. In the worst case, you should be getting subsidized federal loans.