So What Do YOU Do?
Is it my imagination or is this common social question getting harder and harder to answer? We all know this to be part of a polite exchange and that the attention span for the response is maybe 3-4 seconds. Expected replies include ‘œI’m a teacher’, ‘œI’m a student’, ‘œI’m a doctor’ or ‘œI’m a happy homemaker’. Because what the questioner really is asking is ‘œwhat do you do for a living so that I can place you in a category I understand’. What is not expected (or likely welcome) is the complicated and far more accurate response that details the many different ways I see fit to spend my time, whether or not they are income generating.
Why thank you for asking’¦I am a blogger, chief cook and bottle washer, micro-entrepreneur, family portfolio manager, radio show host, financial coach, exercise and nutrition enthusiast, wife, kitty playmate and caretaker and a darn loyal friend.
A quick online search tells me I’m not the only one challenged by this question. DJ Nelson, a Washington DC Telecommuting Examiner, says in a recent post:
It’s hard for people to understand that everyone doesn’t define themselves by a job. There’s much more to me than how I earn a living. I look forward to the day when I can meet someone new and have a conversation that doesn’t revolve around work; but until then, I’ll just settle for responding with my own creative answers.
She also shares some amusing conversations on the topic in her post. For some clever responses to the question, WhyWork.org offers a few reader contributions:
What you should really be asking is Who I Am. Not what I do.
Me? I’m a hunter/gatherer!
And
1) Breathe.
2) Eat well and get plenty of exercise. Just what the doctor ordered.
3) Watch the sunset and listen to the sounds of the birds and the children as they play.
4) Try to stay healthy, act with honesty, honor the earth and life thereon,
and be as helpful as possible.
5) I live to give and give to live. Ancient Indian secret.
Since I find it difficult to value any one of my roles over the others (except perhaps ‘œwife’’¦hi honey) and I would actually like to be a cooperative social animal, my new working definition is Quality Life Engineer. Aren’t we all really?
I’d love to hear your strategies for responding to this question.
Photo credit: stock.xchng.
Um this question simply doesn’t bother me. I answer it quickly with. . . “I am a RN”. If they never choose to look past the category that places me in, doesn’t phase me. Everyone is so much more than just a job or career. But finding a way to categorize one’s world and the people in it is not always a bad thing. . .
In agreement with Carol, I highly recommend this brief comic, “Success Story” by Billy Burg. Instead of asking people what they do, I prefer to ask “What’s your life all about?” It tends to generate a much more interesting response!
I’m a Witch
(or, depending on who’s asking, sometimes a ‘shamanic transgendered lesbian Witch’)
Great post, Carol. I’ve had to rethink the answer to this question over the past year. People don’t really know how to respond when I tell them I’m a house frau, especially the academic types my partner is surrounded by at work. Feminists (and I count myself in this category) just don’t know what to say in response. I have a degree in Women’s Studies, but I stay home. I’ve gotten more comfortable with the “writer” label, but I still like saying “house frau” just to eff with people.
Love the responses. I have often wished for a simple answer like Candirn’s. Definitely wish I’d found that “Success Story” comic suggested by feral geographer for the post. How perfect! I admire your courage Serena. There was a time when I used Haus Frau as well. It’s an art! Might have to ad “witch” to the list. That would be a fun one to use with the academic crowd too. Thank you all for sharing.
Eh, I think you’re overthinking this one.
In social situations, I don’t think it’s “what do you do for a living so that I can place you in a category I understand” so much as “let’s find some reasonably neutral topic that we might be able to have a polite and enjoyable conversation about.” Asking about occupations is usually more interesting than discussing the weather and far less risky than discussing money, politics, sex, or current events. If I’m in social environments where I know people are unlikely to have paid employment (stay-at-home moms or retirees) then I tend to ask about kids or families or hobbies rather than jobs. The goal is just to have a pleasant conversation, not to pin down a person’s entire identity.
Giving an answer like “breathe” doesn’t seem clever to me; it seems like someone deliberately trying to make a neutral social interaction into an awkward and uncomfortable one. If that’s the image you want to convey socially, that’s up to you.
wow! neutral topics, eh?
if I want irrelevant diplomatic social small talk I’ll go to the grocery store and converse with the cashier while I go through the check-out
when I engage other individuals in communication, discussion, etc., I want to talk about politics, sex, spirituality, current events, and perhaps this year’s bud crop
neutral topics work at the office or on the bus
Thank you S. That seemed to be the impression I was getting as well. Why make a polite conversation awkward and uncomfortable? I will admit in my younger years to a certain fondness for upsetting folks. Not so much these days. I simply do’t have the time or energy to waste. I would much rather have the polite conversation and move on. . .
I certainly have no desire to upset potential conversation partners. I was raised in the Midwest where “polite” is in the drinking water. If I had a simple answer, I’d probably use it and move on, especially in situations where I don’t hope for or expect a future interaction. (as with a cashier for example) I can, and usually do, choose one of the many self-descriptive terms but I find that since I am no longer conventionally employed, the term I choose is the one that will define me in a developing relationship even though it is one of many I could have chosen. There are friends I see weekly that know less about me than anyone who chanced upon the post. I didn’t feel that way when I worked a 40 hour (more like 60) work week, probably because I didn’t have time or energy to think about it nor were the many roles so equally weighted.
More and more people are unconventionally employed/engaged whether by choice or circumstance and the post was meant to be an exploration of self-definition in a changing landscape.
Carol: Interesting post. Marci Alboher calls this the “slash” phenomenon – when you add a slash or two to your job description. For example:
* Pharmacist / jewelry maker / eBay seller
* Mgr of human resources / caterer / art collector
Marci is the author of the book called One Person/Multiple Careers: A New Model For Work/Life Success and believes, “When the disparate threads of one’s life are woven together in this way, the whole of you comes out.”
And wouldn’t people rather hear about the whole you instead of just some small talk!
I usually say “I’m an activist” and then if they ask I’ll tell them about the work I do (paid and unpaid). My working job is a little harder to explain, especially to people who aren’t in the field. So I try to be brief and use examples.
or sometimes i just say “I’m a professional geek”