In my last post, I lamented the fact that my wife and I are temporarily postponing starting our family due to the recession and the cost of sperm. If you have romantic ideas about buying sperm from a lovely bank and getting knocked up, you may not want to read on for fear of bursting your bubble.

The industry is one of zero regulation and very little competition. When it comes to big, emotional life-dreams, they could probably charge anything they wanted. It’s really hard to put a price on a baby, on life itself. While I’m livid that a little vial of the stuff we need is $500 a pop- we would likely even save up and buy sperm if it was $1000 a pop.

Supply and demand doesn’t factor in on this one in the usual way. There isn’t actually a lack of donors. There is, however, a lack of healthy, motile sperm that can survive a freeze. And there are even less donors that have viable pregnancies reported using their sperm. When you’ve found a donor that has the physical, mental and emotional attributes that you’re looking for, and you know his sperm works- you get attached and you’re probably willing to pay anything. That’s when you have your ‘œIf These Walls Could Talk Two’ moment like Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone and you’re crying ‘œIf only you and I could make a baby on our own! Why don’t you make sperm, Goddamn-it?’

It is not uncommon for the sperm shops to make only ‘œwashed’ (tinkered with and sometimes twice as expensive) sperm available when it’s coming from a donor with known pregnancies. We would be buying unwashed sperm right now and doing with our midwife or at home if it was only available- but this is how the industry takes the most money it can from us. Whoever owns California Cryobank is making a killing.

And then of course, it’s more than just sperm you must empty your wallet for. Shipping is around $170 two vials at a time. And a skilled professional must thaw and insert the sperm through the cervix so that’s $200-$300 to have someone you have probably never met squirt it into you. And then there is the storage fees of around $100/month because it’s cheaper to buy multiple vials and they must stay stored at the bank…

At many fertility clinics, you and your partner will likely be forced to take a psycho-social ‘œevaluation’ before the clinic will work with you. You must ‘œpass’ this evaluation.

And that’s not all. Most places will make you do multiple blood tests to check your health, an x-ray of your reproductive organs and an ultrasound before each try to make sure you’re really ovulating and an egg is ready (this is because the infertility clinics are used to working with people with fertility issues). The last ultrasound I had unrelated to baby-making was $400 without insurance. And that brings us to’¦

Topping it off, even though you may not be infertile, just queer, your insurance will not cover any of this because ‘œinfertility treatments’ are not covered under any insurance I know of.   If you happen to find one that does cover some treatments, it’s unlikely that your inseminations will be covered if they are not related to a medical problem. Both partners being female is not a medical problem.

All in all, our first month’s try in a clinic including tests would be about $2,470 or more. Check out Nina’s last post on the price of bringing home a baby.

Over and over again, we will endure these things and pay this price because the cost of legal fees if a known donor wants to take away your child is going to be more expensive than any of this, and even more emotionally difficult.

I fortunately just found out that our lesbian midwife is skilled and experienced in doing the intra-uterine insemination right in our home which will save us half on the doctor visit, and she won’t make me to through any unnecessary tests. But a lesbian midwife is a luxury you won’t find in many places.

My wife dreams of a world where you can pick up sperm at the sex toy store, already loaded into a fun toy. Until then I just hope I’m very fertile and we don’t have to try for more than three months.