Buying Visibility, One Quarter At A Time
I am sitting in the laundromat down the street, waiting for my triple-washer to finish its spin cycle. The owner has asked me to hang out and talk with him today. “I feel a sermon coming on,” he says.
Father Peter is an evangelical Christian. He’s a priest at a nearby church, as well as the owner of my neighborhood laundromat. He hangs photos of Jesus in the laundromat and says “praise the Lord” a lot. He thinks the only options for Christian sexuality (read: legitimate sexuality) are celibacy or as part of church-sanctioned marriage.
And yet, I continue pumping quarters into his washers and dryers.
I wish I could find a laundromat that was queer-owned. (Better, I wish I could own my own washer and dryer, but that’s a post for another time.) But as much as I believe in supporting queer-owned businesses, I also firmly believe in integrating myself into my community. And this laundromat is just down the street from my apartment, in a neighborhood that is about as diverse as Maine gets.
Apart from the convenience of using the closest laundromat, I actually really enjoy my conversations with Father Peter. Yes, we disagree on many political issues. And yes, he thinks I’m a sinner. But he also acknowledges that he’s a sinner too. And while I think he’s wrong on many, many things, I also know that he’s fairly well-read, and a pretty smart guy.
As I’m sitting in the laundromat, another customer walks in, and Peter introduces us. “This is Maxine,” he says, “she’s a member of the ACLU.”
I introduce myself. “Hi, I’m Jan. I’m a godless lesbian bent on destroying America.”
She laughs and shakes my hand, but looks shocked. “You told him that you’re gay?”
Of course I did. And I do. And I will continue to. I have nothing to fear from Father Peter. He and I vehemently disagree on gay rights, women’s rights, abortion rights, social welfare, immigrant rights, and many other issues. But by patronizing my neighborhood laundromat, I have an opportunity to make my politics visible.
I get a chance to talk with him about the importance of workplace equality, social equality, and why it’s so important for my relationship to be legally recognized. Peter and I can have a reasoned, productive debate on gay marriage while my underwear goes through the spin cycle.
And I love it! I love being visible in my community. I love the power that comes with being unafraid. And if it means I have to support my local non-queer owned laundromat, I’m okay with that.
Money may lead to power, but I’m not about to seclude myself in a gay ghetto while homophobes wish me good riddance. I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m doing my laundry.
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That is just beautiful. Thanks for this inspiring story.
In my old town, I argued over the idea of an ‘open public square’ – the idea that people could put up Xmas lights, a menorah, diwali lamps, and a maypole in the center of town. I felt the result would be a community at ease with itself. What was about to occur instead (which did happen) is that the Xmas trees and lights were about to come down because people complained at a Menorah being put up, and the town council felt it wasn’t equitable to have Xmas decorations up and no Hanukkah decorations.
It’s visibility of the best kind, too – not only the “I’m here, I’m queer” of a bumper sticker, but also “I’m part of this community, and I support local businesses.” It makes it a lot harder for neighbors to Other us, when we make it clear that we consider ourselves one of their neighbors.
And, while it would be fantastic to have a washer and dryer in the apartment, it’s possibly cheaper and definitely a lot more energy-efficient to use the triple washers and industrial-size dryers at the laundromat.
Jan: Good for you. I’m a big believer in being out.
A couple of comments. First, I smiled when I learned that the owner has a slash career – as in pastor/laundromat owner. Doesn’t anyone else think that’s funny?
I also find it interesting that he has no problem with taking money from the “godless”… unlike these people.
Jan, Thank you for your story about being visible. You are inspiring. I have come to realize the undermining impact of shame on a person’s ability to be visible (not just around queerness, necessarily, but being visible in any aspect of life). The interior voice of shame says, “I am not worthy; I am inferior. It is better to hide than to reveal my true self.” You have revealed one of the antidotes to shame/invisibility: Just do it – embrace the courage and embrace what is real. The irony of the relationship between being visible and being invisible is that both are difficult to do, but being invisible takes a silent toll on the individual, the community, and society…and it is actually much MORE difficult than embracing visibility. Again, I am inspired by your courage to be visible. Father Peter and the community need you. [I write about invisibility on my blog http://www.invisiblelives.com.]
It sounds to me like by being visible and supporting non-queer-owned local businesses you are inching towards changing people’s opinions. I think that’s a good thing.
I recently came out to my workmates. Not that I was trying to hide anything before, but it came up when one of my very conservative colleagues said that she had never met a gay person in her life.
“Actually you have.”
“Oh who? OHHHH. ARE YOU KIDDING???”
It’s actually the first time I’ve been so out at the workplace and it feels GREAT when my colleagues talk to me about my partner like I talk to them about theirs.
That’s great that you guys have those discussions. I had been talking to someone about how waterboarding was so clearly wrong that I didn’t understand why it was under debate. The person I was talking to wouldn’t commit one way or another whether or not it counted as torture but finally asked, “Well, that’s just fine that you think something needs to be changed. But what are you going to DO about it?”
At first I blinked and thought, “Um…nothing. No one’s ever asked me to waterboard someone.” But then I realized I was already doing what I was going to do about it. And that was to simply state my position on the issue and debate it as coherently as I could manage whenever the topic came up. I love that you’re openly out with the pastor/laundromat guy. Better yet, I’m encouraged that he engages in debate. It doesn’t sound like he’s merely haranguing you to come to your senses.
@Nina: You’re right, he does have a “slash career!” It seems like a lot of people do that in Maine, though, so I suppose it no longer seems unusual to me.
@Paul: Thank you for your great comment. You’re right, invisibility might seem easier, but the toll it takes on everyone is huge. I like your blog, a lot.
@plonkee: I certainly hope so. I’m not sure I’ll ever change Father Peter’s mind on gay marriage (nor vice versa), but at least I might change his mind on some things.
@hwee yee: Way to take that opportunity! 🙂
@FitFool: You’re right, our conversations definitely go beyond haranguing the other. And the best part is, we actually see eye-to-eye on some issues. It’s amazing what a little mutual respect can get you.
Wow, that’s pretty neat. I have a feeling I would get frustrated, but as long as it’s someone who actually wants to listen to you, it probably isn’t so bad.
This is a very interesting post. It’s good that you’re having healthy, reasoned debates with a pastor who owns a laundromat. Do you notice that patience pays off?
One of the things I worry about in Internet Culture is that everyone will find their niche of people who all agree with them perfectly, and then boundaries between different points of view will solidify into tribal boundaries, and we’ll lose the ability to talk things out a bit. I think this already happens a bit with the Rush Limbaugh set and suchforth. So way to go to fight the trend 🙂
Wow. The topic caught my eye, considering my latest project. “How Apropos” I thought.
Obviously, It had nothing to do with The Quarter Project, and I knew it, but I smiled anyway. What followed was a truly great post, exactly what I would expect from you JanJan. It’s always refreshing to hear about those who *don’t* shut someone else out for opposing views. All too often we seclude ourselves in caves surrounded by a select few who agree with us. Such a shame. Such a small-minded shame.
Kudos to you.
Kudos to you, Jan.
I find it a little hard to do what you do, sometimes; it’s not that I’m afraid to be out and proud, but rather that it rarely seems apropos when you’re single. Sexuality always seems like such a hard topic to bring up out of context.
@Kyle – not really, unfortunately! I don’t flatter myself by thinking I’m going to change his mind on marriage, and I”m pretty sure he’s given up trying to convert me. But it’s amazing the common ground we do find.
@dan – good point about being partnered vs. being single. It really is a lot easier to talk about being queer when you have tangible proof.