Last week, I wrote about how the financial sacrifices we’ve had to make in recovering from my wife’s financial infidelity have been much easier than dealing with the emotional aftermath. As an illustration, I described my negative reaction to finding a credit card charge I didn’t recall discussing.

Several readers commented that they’d like to know how we resolved the issue.

It turned out that the charge was for something relatively small and completely reasonable. When I discovered the charge, I was angry, not because she’d spent the money, but because she had forgotten to tell me about it. I later apologized for snapping at her, and that put the issue to rest.

The larger problem, of course, is the fact that my trust in my wife is so eroded that when things don’t go as planned, I have a natural tendency to assume the worst. Paying off the bills has been relatively easy; trusting my wife again has been hard.

Now on to a few reader comments; FrugalZen writes:

I do wonder though, among us Frugal types, how fears of a Potential Partners perceived lack of financial acumen and control might stop us from making a commitment to them, all else being equal?

Although there’s a lot to be said about love, romance and sex when it comes to choosing a life’s partner, it’s equally important to take a critical look at your partner in terms of your compatibility. Neat freaks aren’t generally happy living with slobs, a classical music lover might not be so thrilled listening to heavy metal all day, and someone with their financial house in order might find great distress in living with someone who doesn’t (or can’t) pay their bills on time.

Call me a killjoy, but finances matter, and it’s something you should consider in choosing your partner.

Even if you don’t combine your finances, having a fiscally irresponsible or incapable partner will affect your entire household. When you are in love, you might not mind picking up your partner’s share of the dinner bill, or giving him/her extra money to fix a broken-down car. After the romance fades, and you find yourselves living your regular day-to-day lives, it’s a place where resentment can build.

Alice asks:

I’m interested in where you see things going from here – what the long-term plan is for what you want to do once trust is reestablished. What will maintenance look like?

I think the truth is that spending will always be an area with which my wife and I struggle. My wife is a spender; I am a saver. Although we do share many of the same long-term financial goals, such as wanting to be completely debt-free, we often disagree on how we should get there. If it were just up to me, we’d live a very Spartan existence until our remaining debt (auto loan and home mortgage) is paid off. If it were up to my wife, we’d likely take much more time. So we discuss, we sometimes argue, and we work towards compromise. Open and clear communication will be of key importance.

Alice also asked:

What steps (if any) do you recommend for people who haven’t experienced financial infidelity to help keep it that way?

Although I don’t think that it’s possible to completely protect your relationship against financial infidelity, I think there are a few things couples can do to reduce the possibility.

  1. Talk about finances before you create your household. Discuss your expectations and how you plan to organize your money. Do you want a stay-at-home spouse, or do you expect you and your partner will work? Do you want to combine your checking accounts, or do you want to keep them completely separate? Work out an agreement that you both can live with before you make a commitment. If you can’t reach a consensus, perhaps it should serve as a warning that you might not be financially compatible.
  2. Learn how to talk openly, honestly and without judgment about money. Each of you will come to the relationship with different viewpoints and priorities. It’s important that each side feel their needs and wants can be addressed.
  3. Avoid a financial power differential. Both partners should be involved in making financial decisions. If one partner has all the financial authority in the household and the other feels his or her desires aren’t being met, it’s a fertile breeding ground for resentments. Under these circumstances, it becomes tempting for the disempowered partner to start sneaking around with the checkbook.

Our story, of course, isn’t over. Although this post will be my official wrap-up for Surviving Financial Infidelity as a weekly series, I am sure that my wife and I will encounter new challenges in this area. I promise to write about them as they come up, since recovery doesn’t always follow a predictable, weekly schedule.

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