“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” — Rita Rudner

Yesterday, T.L. Stanley, a female entertainment writer for the LA Times veered off into the personal finance genre with her article entitled: People First, Unless It’s a First Date. The article centered on an episode of Suze Orman’s show called “Sex and the Single Wallet” and it tossed around some current dating dilemmas. The biggies are: Who pays? What’s equitable versus what’s etiquette? How do you figure out if you’ve fallen for a gold digger?

It reminded me of the brief moment when I tried to date men. It was the summer that I came out of the closet (age 26) and my boss (who happened to also be my best friend) said, “Are you sure you’re gay? You just haven’t dated enough men.” So at her coaxing, I went on a dating men rampage for a couple of months.

The two that I remember are linked to their cars: a 30-year-old plumber that picked me up in a huge Lincoln Continental. I only had one date with him. The other I dubbed, “Black Paneled Van Man”. On our first date, he arrived on a motorcycle. It was early afternoon and we motored off into the Connecticut hills for a hike and picnic. It seemed like the perfect “lesbian” date so I decided to go on a second date with him.

This time, he showed up in his car, which happened to be a “black paneled van”. He seemed like a nice guy but the paneled van freaked me out. I had visions of being chopped up, put in numerous mayonnaise jars and transported to some god-forsaken place in the back of that van. So I offered to drive.

We went to dinner… my favorite restaurant in Northampton, Mass, which by the way is teeming with lesbians and Smith College students. Dinner was fine, but when the bill came, Black Paneled Van Man looked at it and said, “Do you want to split this?” I was horrified and went all straight, Southern Belle on him. I thought, “Isn’t the guy supposed to pay on the first date?” I didn’t think a hike and sandwiches stuffed in a backpack counted as a first date. Does it?

So we split the check and that was my last man date. Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s much easier to be a dating lesbian… there aren’t any preconceived roles so when the check arrives, both women usually try to grab it. Then during the next few months of dating you settle into taking turns. The roles get defined later.