Who Makes The Most Money In Your Relationship? Balancing Finances as a Couple
Ramon Johnson is the gay lifestyle guide at About: Gay Life, a New York Times Company. The commentary, advice, and resources Ramon provides outlines the essentials of what it means to be gay and “how to live a better gay life.” These are his words…
So, you’ve gone out a couple of times and he agreed to pick up the tab. His apartment is on a scale significantly higher than your pay grade can afford. He drives a lux auto (or maybe just a step above your own). Or, you may be the one in the baller seat, so to speak, because he just lost his job. In either scenario, you’ve recognized that your finances aren’t exactly equal, but you adore each other and are willing to stick it out.
During the courtship phase of dating, unbalanced finances get little attention, but it may eventually become a concern as the relationship develops’”especially if either one of you has your ego attached to your wallet.
Break the financial ice by bringing up income issues early. Well, maybe not on the first date, but eventually as the relationship advances to the next level. Be open and honest about your pay check and savings. Let him know what you can and can’t afford. There is no one right way to bring up the topic, so just go for it. Use a current bill (such as the restaurant tab) as the opportunity to start the conversation.
Some people like being the sugga daddy in the relationship, taking most of the financial burden; others like being taken care of. Life also happens, especially in shaky economies. People get laid off or lose other sources of income. Of course, most couples seek a 50/50 arrangement, but for whatever reason this is not always the case.
Even more, a 50/50 arrangement doesn’t always equate to splitting everything down the middle. If you live together, lay out all of your bills. If you’re just dating, map out how many dates you usually go on throughout the month. If you can’t afford to split the tab (or the bills) evenly, divide them up by importance or choose another barter situation. You may cover the mortgage, while he takes care of the cable and electric bill. You agree to buy the groceries, if he agrees to cook. He buys the new appliance if you help install it. Or, you agree that he pays for every two dates, while you pick up the third.
Whatever the arrangement, it’s important to set aside a few moments to talk through your financial situations and come to an amiable agreement that both and he (and your egos) can live with. This way you are both satisfied with your financial contributions to the relationship.
If you find yourself Uhauling (or moving in together), create a household budget. Choose financial goals as a couple, while maintaining your personal goals. Lean on the partner that is the most financially savvy or the one with his finances most in order. Together, with a proper plan, you can relieve financial tensions and move on to achieving your goals’”one of them being staying together.
Ramon: Thanks for these guests posts. Communicating early on about money is so important.
I remember initiating the serious “money” conversation with Jeanine just after a few months of dating.
At this point, I was falling for her and wanted to make sure that we saw eye-to-eye on finances. The most important thing for me was that she didn’t have a lot of credit card debt. Abusing your credit card is one of the deadly sins in my book and indicative of a host of other financial issues. This might sound shallow but I didn’t want to be burdened by someone’s past mistakes. My practical side often overwhelms my romantic side… but at least Jeanine knew right from the get-go what she was getting herself into.
Back then I was on the prowl for a long-term partner, so I was very matter-of-fact about what I was looking for in a mate. With regards to finances, it was never about how much money they made… my dating ran the gamut of professions and income. Their paycheck was never really a concern. I didn’t care if she was a yoga instructor making 25 bucks a class or a movie studio VP making $275,000 a year. What matter to me was how she spent her money…
As a couple I think our “spending” philosophy is more important than inequities with the “earning” piece…
Although, I once had a very rich girlfriend and that posed it’s own challenges about who maintained control in the relationship – but that’s a topic for another post.