And Two Wallets Became One’¦
Nina had written about fighting over money and it got me thinking. My partner Jason and I haven’t ever fought over money. We may have disagreements about which bill to pay first or how much money we should be saving, but we haven’t ever fought over the topic.
I think there are a few reasons for this. The first is that together we don’t have any credit card debt. The only debts that we have are my student loans and our Mortgage debts. Everything else we save up for before we buy.
Another reason is how we handled our dating lifestyle. When straight couples date, it is a social norm for the guy to pick up the tab. While I disagree with this idea, it definitely does not translate very well into the gay community. When there are two guys, do you pay twice the amount? When there are two gals, does nobody pay? Obviously, this is not the case.
We decided very early on that instead of bickering about who pays which tab; we would get a joint credit card. Then monthly, when the bill came in, we would split it down the middle. We also promised each other that we would not let the balance revolve to a second month. This worked great. It helped us build trust and it helped us learn how the other dealt with money.
When I moved in with Jason, we started splitting, on this card, everything that was non- optional in our lives. This included gas money for work, haircuts, groceries, etc’¦
We also had a budget. We set goals to reduce our spending by a certain percentage each month. I’m the excel guy, so I had a working spreadsheet. We would try to cut our dining out expense each month and would raise our grocery expense at the same time. We even had a sushi budget! (No, we never cut the Sushi budget ‘“ you have to live, you know)
When we moved to Indianapolis, we decided to get a joint checking account. We each would have our own accounts, but we would equally fund the checking account. This account would be used to pay our joint expenses and our mortgage payments. When we started investing in properties together, we set up a genuine business complete with operating agreements.
This has worked for us and continues to work for us. We’re not as stringent on the budget as we used to be but the philosophy is still there.
As a side benefit, when you try to eat out less, you end up cooking more. We have so much fun in the kitchen experimenting with our next meal.
That sounds like a great way of gradually moving your finances together.
Btw, I’m a big fan of the line: When there are two gals, does nobody pay?
While I don’t have a girlfriend, being married to a boy, I’d love to take some of my girl friends out and then not have to pay. 😉
Phil: I had a similar approach with Partner #2. In addition to our separate accounts, we had a joint checking account and every month we each deposited the same amount and paid our household expenses with the joint debit card. It seemed to be a good system.
When Jeanine and I moved into together, we decided to keep everything separate – so we each write a check for half of the mortgage and divvy up the household expenses as evenly as possible. Somehow I got stuck with the $100+ cable bill! With Partner #2, I was always worried about tit-for-tat, but for some reason with Jeanine, I was able to let that all go. I think it evens out organically without putting much thought into it.
What about when one partner makes 2 or 3 times as much as the other?
Tari,
That is a great question. I was actively tackling my debt, so in effect I was making a lot less than my partner. The thing that is probably more important is that you make a budget that is fair to both of you. If one partner agrees to pay a larger share, at least you’ve had the conversation. Otherwise, I would try to keep within both people’s means.