Interdependence of stay-at-home partners
One of the more difficult things with being a couple is trying to work together on a budget. Initially, we had nothing and just went on a wing and a prayer with the occasional nagging that we should tone down the expenses.
After a few years, that got old and we decided to work together on the money more closely and figure out what was coming in and going out. Every 2-4 weeks we would sit down together and see if we were on track with income, bills and figuring out what needed to be reigned in. That has and still continues to this day.
However, there was still an issue that would come up. You see, my partner is a stay-at-home spouse and enjoys it thoroughly, but she felt that she wasn’t contributing enough financially. So on occasion we would see what job she could pick-up. But she didn’t like working out of the house much, so these jobs would be short-lived.
Because she was home full-time, anytime she would want to spend money she would ask and I would agree to it sometimes and that would cut into the future budget plans. Or I would say no and this would cause an argument between us about sticking to the budget or not.
Recently, she mentioned again wanting to help out financially again, starting some kind of craft business or something online that would allow her to stay at home. I knew something like this would take money upfront and I initially gave a thumbs down to this idea as it would mess up the budget again. I’m always the tightwad when it comes to spending money.
After thinking about it in the shower (I get my better ideas in the shower) I figured I would just give her $100-200/mo so that she could have control over ‘her’ money to save or spend. Basically, an allowance every month.
Little did I know how much this would delight her and get her mind working on ways to best use this money. Now it was up to her to decide whether to save the money for a little boat for fishing, increase the spending money for trips, save it for a raining day or put it back in towards the budget.
I realize it is another bill that has just been generated, but over the short term the money is about equal to those we had in spontaneous expenses. But over the longer haul, this is working in our favor because now my partner has ‘influence’ in whether we save or spend and the biggest bonus to all of this is that she has more control and sees her decision as having more influence.
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Dawn C. is site owner of Frugalforlife.com and is residing in Colorado with her spouse, Teri, of 11 years. Dawn can be reached at Frugalforlife@gmail.com
Once we grew up, my mom really enjoyed getting a little job teaching one day a week. Didn’t bring in much, but she loved having her own money to plan with and such.
My stay at home partner gets offers to cater once in a while. It helps a little to the bottom line of our income, but mainly its more about her keeping some feelers out for when kids are a bit older- when she thinks she’ll take it bigger.
I will disclaim that I have some significant issues with independence and the connection to money.
But I have to say that the idea of an “allowance” for a partner who stays at home sounds a little patronizing. My partner and I are also looking at this option and as the historical breadwinner, I know this will be a huge adjustment for me. We’ve talked about different options for how we balance funds and budgets.
But if at anytime she suggested giving me an “allowance”, that would be a done conversation. I would very much like she was treating me as a child and someone she had to “take care of”. I assume that your partner’s decision to stay at home provides some value for you as well. Rather than look at it as an allowance, how about considering it a portion of the salary you bring in because of what her stay-at-home status provides you.
Maybe it’s semantics but this article got my rankles up.
yes I have to agree with Kris. It doesn’t matter in our marriage who is currently working or who is not, but the money in the bank account is OUR money. If we’re doing better financially we each get an allowance to blow on fun stuff, if not we both have to justify what we want to spend money on. There is no idea in our heads that the person currently earning is the person who dictates what happens to the money. My husband currently not working, and studying to get his masters does not mean he is a drain on our finances, but it means we decided to invest in an asset which will make both of us financially better off, and more satisfied career wise. I would hate him to feel like he had to justify the money he spends, just as when I wasn’t working and he was I never gave a thought to justifying what I spent to him.
I forgot to also add that the added income we get from the state foster system for NOT having our youngest in daycare is seen as her income too.
My partner and I need to have the budget question one of these days.
While I was gone on active duty he pursued one of his life-ambitions and moved to Hawaii, where he worked to survive and wasn’t able to save any money.
I came back, set up house and we waited for the time to be right for him to move back.
Currently I pay rent, utilities, and buy groceries. He just got a job so I hope to move the grocery budget under his income after a month.
As the writer, I would like to answer the ‘allowance’ word. When I wrote that, I didn’t like the word and I still don’t for how we handle the finances. However, I couldn’t think of another word that would effectively convey what we had decided on. And that IS something that WE decided on.
Though the words doesn’t convey the respect that I have for her and all the wonderful ways she helps out at home, it was the word that best fit for the situation whether I liked it or not.