Money & Mates: Q&A with Barb
This week, Queercents interviews Barb. Barb is single at the moment but has a wealth of experience when it comes to money and relationships. Here’s her story.
How long have you been together?
I am currently single, however, I’ve had two long-term partnerships. The first was when I was in my 20’s and lasted 7 years. The second was during my 30’s and early 40’s and lasted 14 years; we just separated last year.
How did money first come up in your relationships? When we were dating. Who’d pay when, you know, stuff like that.
Checking and savings accounts: Joint or separate?
In my first relationship pretty much everything was joint. Although we were young, in college and just getting by so, money and power wasn’t as much an issue. In my most recent relationship, we had joint and separate accounts.
What is your worst habit around finances?
Being paid what I’m worth, ie: negotiating an agreement that is fair to me, without being seen as a bitch! That’s not easy as a woman.
Do you rent or own and how do you divide the bills?
I own my own home now. A big rite of passage for me, an achievement I’ve wanted for quite awhile, so, finally, I gave it to myself!
What is the best gift your mates ever gave you?
What matters most to me are the intangibles. My partner giving me what I want vs. what they think I want or what they want to give me. Shared interests and passions. Patience and maturity. True commitment. Great communication. Democracy in decision-making. Being pampered too. Yes, money is important. But I’ve definitely seen the dark side of what money can do to a person too, unfortunately, and I don’t know how that plus my earlier gender training has impacted my so-called money/prosperity consciousness. Can people be both rich AND ethical/decent/democratic etc.??? I’m still asking myself that question. Perhaps Bono. Oprah. But most?
Did your parents ever disagree about money? How did they handle it?
I was in my own world as a child growing up – reading, writing, drawing, daydreaming and being a tomboy. Who knows? I remember them arguing about other things but I don’t specifically remember money arguments. Who knows, maybe I’m blocking! I do know that my parents both worked really hard (dad outside the home and mom in the home) and I was never without a decent roof over my head, regular meals, routines, etc. All things that are so important. I don’t remember ever having any anxieties about adult worries. I was allowed to be a kid.
What is your most significant memory about money?
Wow, that’s a hard one. There are so many. Maybe the first time I crossed the $50,000 a year salary mark or, paying off that last school loan. These events were cool.
What is success?
Success is different for everyone. To me, it is making it to today and feeling ok. It’s also about pursuing something, impacting the world, smelling and tasting (I’m missing that so much right now because of my sinus problems!). It’s about standing up for what you believe. It’s also being strategic – afterall, Shakespeare was SO right, “all the world’s a stage…” – emotional intelligence is SO key to getting things done.
What would you do with your life if money weren’t a consideration?
I ask a similar question of my clients in my relationship readiness course! If money weren’t a consideration, I’d do what I felt compelled to do, each moment, without a care! I’d do what I loved to do. And, it wouldn’t be all hedonistic or selfish either!
What’s been your worst disagreement around finances?
My worst times re: money would have to be with my most recent ex. We had very different ideas about money, most of the time! And, we couldn’t find a compromise that worked for both of us. That was one of the major ‘downfalls’ leading to our relationship’s demise.
What are your plans for retirement?
Balance! I know how much the experts harp on save, save, save, and yes, for the most part they are right. However, life is meant to be lived, so who knows? I will say this and you can think what you want but the gay thing has been the cause of so much of my inability to get ahead financially. And of course, when I gripe, I am told, ‘well that’s your fault’, by those who don’t accept that I was just being myself. I know this sounds like a ‘victim’ stance, but, think about it: my sisters all stayed home till they married men and received lots in terms of a ‘head start’ financially (time to go to school full time without having to work to support oneself and pay for school, wedding showers, worked and saved while living with parents, baby showers, weddings, wedding gifts, honeymoons, housewarmings, downpayments, money for their children from the grandparents, I could go on and on).
Me, I was out on my ass at 18 with an aging American piece of crap vehicle and mostly just the clothes on my back. High school graduate without a real marketable skill. Then, I did succeed at putting myself through college and grad school on my own dime. And, having two adult ‘marriages’, however, because I couldn’t really marry my partners, when these relationships ended, I had no legal standing from which to recoup any of what I had invested into them. Now, when a straight person divorces, they usually come out with at least some monetary or tangible assets with which to start over.
I know that I have a lot to say in how my life turns out, ultimately, even if there are larger forces at play as well (discrimination because I’m female, gay, middle aged, etc.). All of these ‘labels’ are also strengths I bring to who I am and what I do. So, each day I am positively focused on creating and growing a life and business that is successful on many levels, including financially!
How do you pamper each other?
Right now I’m learning the art of pampering myself. Ultimately, I get it now that I have to take care of me! My favorite pampering is probably a massage.
About:
Barb Elgin, MSW, LCSW-C (AKA ‘Coach Sappho’), provides relationship and business coaching to GLBT’s and allies. Check her out on the web at Barb Elgin and Coach Sappho. And, be on the lookout for Coach Sappho’s new and innovative relationship community, The Club, which goes live soon.
When Barb is not running her company, she…
– is an activist for marriage equality
– is writing a book
– enjoys participating in her planned communities activities
– likes to travel
– loves team sports such as softball and water volleyball and racquet sports
– volunteers at Rainbow Ranch, a retirement home for unwanted, old and ill cats and dogs
If you would like to be interviewed for future installments of Money & Mates, then please contact nina -at- queercents -dot- com.
thanks for publishing my thoughts Nina! reading over it i had some other thoughts about where i am currently re: finances:
1) I think that society could do a whole lot better educating youth re: finances. Why hasn’t society done a better job up till now? I think there’s a whole taboo around talking about money, similar to sex education! yes, it’s true! I think one thing my parents didn’t do was teach us about finances.
2) I wasn’t clear in the interview, but in case anyone was wondering, the reason I was ‘out on my own at 18’ was twofold: first, I was the oldest and asserting any independence wasn’t something my parents could handle and secondly, they were rebelling against my asserting my gayness. The result was a major power struggle and, as you know when that happens, what tends to follow…I was basically told I will do what they want or hit the highway. So, I hit the highway. There was no middle ground. Another reason I left was my physical safety.
3) Individuals need to be clear about their requirements and needs regarding money BEFORE they make any commitments with others. Not ‘losing yourself’ to love esp. re: finances, is vitally important. And, healthy couples make sure the legal paperwork is filed that protects BOTH of them as best as is possible. Be wary of partners who take too much control.
Thanks again for this wonderful forum!