Swine flu. The media has a collective shiver running down its spine because of the porky pandemic. But I’m tellin ya’ll . . . it’s a massive cover up for a zombie outbreak. Trust me on this one.

Assume that I’m wrong, and this is just an outbreak of the flu. The media blitz is creating mass hysteria about catching the flu. People have stopped traveling – both for leisure, and for business. Schools and other public services have been closed. Will the swine flu panic contribute to the current economic crisis?

Let’s compare the swine flu to SARS. According to the Dallas Morning News:

The economic impact of SARS in East and Southeast Asia was about $18 billion, or 0.6 percentage points of the 2003 gross domestic product, according to the Asian Development Bank. Tourism was hit the hardest, falling 20 to 70 percent in April 2003 and leading to an estimated tourism revenue loss of nearly $15 billion.

SARS-affected economies also saw retail sales fall 5 to 10 percent in early 2003, the Asian Development Bank said. Hong Kong’s economy shrank 2.6 percent and Singapore’s declined 2 percent in the first half of 2003.

Flying on an airplane poses a health risk – the status quo is no exception. The recycled air in an airplane is an incubator for disease. I catch a cold every time I fly. But I’m more worried about catching a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis on an airplane than I am about catching the flu.

I’m all about closing the schools to prevent the spread of swine flu. Little kids are covered in germs, and I think that elementary school teachers deserve a badge of honor for their bravery. Young people are always catching something, whether it’s chicken pox, the flu, or the common cold. So yes – let’s stop crowding the little carrier monkeys together in overburdened classrooms. It’s not like the schools can afford to pay their light bill right now, anyway.

Swine flu is just the latest media sensation. The week before that it was Somali pirates (yargh!). The Octamommy and her babies were all the rage before the pirates hijacked that boat. And before that it was the Tot Mom who killed her daughter down in Florida. I think we all need to stop obsessing about catching the flu. If you’re worried about getting sick, wash your hands. Seriously.

I want to know where the media blitz was when the AIDS epidemic started taking place in the United States. They didn’t know what to call the epidemic back then, either. First it was GRID (gay-related immune deficiency). And the government refused to do a thing about it. Legionnaires’ disease emerged in the US around the same time as AIDS. The CDC warned the Regan administration that AIDS posed a much greater risk of becoming an epidemic than Legionnaires’ disease did. But as long as the disease was primarily associated with gay people, it wasn’t a media or government concern. The religious right went so far as to say it was “God’s way of weeding his garden.” AIDS is still a major issue in the US, and yet nobody talks about it. Why? Because it primarily affects queers and people of color.

There was talk this week of renaming the swine flu to “Mexican flu.” That idea was fortunately vetoed. However, I think you can judge by the comments left over at NPR that the idea has already taken root, and that it hasn’t contributed towards positive feelings about Mexicans or Mexico. I realize that the government is trying to protect the pork industry by changing the name. Heaven knows the cattle industry took a major hit when Mad Cow disease was the media buzz word of the day. But I think it’s a terrible idea to associate an illness with an entire group of people. That’s more than just a little bit stigmatizing.

What about you? Are you terrified of swine flu? Or do you think Americans are needlessly worrying about getting the flu when there are greater problems, such as the economy, to worry about?

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